new 3/4 of a year, new me?

what a blast i am now starting year 3 tmr wow defo not feeling any taller than i was in year 1. the past few weeks of break have been rather eventful, how so many things can occur in a matter of few weeks surprises me at times. days can be a handful, dull days are the worst. anyway, i count myself lucky if i ever get to get a glimpse of gordy and george, the number of times we've seen each other this year is probably more than the times we met over the past 6 years in sec-jc days, and for this i am thankful. came to multiple realisations:

1) no way in hell will i live the rest of my life in a damn office 

i say it with so much conviction now, but who knows what'll play out when im older and when some things arent for me to decide. but for now i never want to rot in an office holy crap it feels like a suction, i can feel every cell shrivelling and pretty much committing suicide off my skin lmao i cant do this i really cant. a library is great, an open field is great, anything but a cubicle. i mean a desk seems great, a clean white desk with the air conditioning blowing right at the perfect angle but no, i need adventure and these white walls white tables white blinds cant give me colour. 

2) colourless tsukuru tazaki 

speaking of colours. finished colourless a few weeks back and i felt the book was rather bland, no real resolution no real conflict, but after going online and hovering on goodreads, i realised that this book isnt really about a thick plot or gripping characters. lbr tsukuru is so very average, the title has alr given a safe summary of the entire book, this is about his years of pilgrimage as he struggles to content with himself, the fact that he's 'ordinary' is just an added feature. pray to god with all my heart i do not want to be as colourless as he is. yet i find that ive been living through secondhand experiences too often recently. i guess as long as i dont compromise on my ~emotional facilities~ its good ya 

3) this fickle heart hardly keeps still, of course the dream and goal is to eventually write but and but and but, how do you come to the realisation that you're simply not talented enough? and when do you decide to finally put it down? how do you even quantify talent to begin with, you have good days and you have horrid days, where do you draw the line then? i dont want to admit that i am having second thoughts, but im afraid i'll lead myself down that road. i dont want to admit too, that i think im outgrowing many things, many dreams many people, many situations. like shedding old skin i think its time to leave some things in the old 1/4 of a year.