today is my dad's bday, there are many things i am trying to wrap my head around, one of which is that as i am growing older, my folks are growing older too, and so is my ahma. and thinking about it makes me want to cry.

if u asked me, i think i could pinpoint the exact moment i started to shed instances whereby i may have been... ~immature~ but of course that definition evolves all the time. what i deem ~mature~ now, may be ~immature~ in 6 months. the very fact i have to explicitly spell it out here also makes me seem ~immature~ lmao but i need to process these thoughts so let me live

and if i were to pinpoint a moment i think there would be two, once when i met cairo when she came back to SG in june of 2014, and the other when i came back from cambodia in sept 2014. honestly speaking i think my 2.2 years here in NP has really changed me?? lol what an underwhelming statement but it really has, not just #aesthetics wise but more importantly, character too. so many things i wanted so much when i was 16/7, times i got upset with my folks, they all seem so ridiculous now. i have understood that the things that i want most is not always the best for me, and with that, i am going to enter my intern phase of my life, with that mindset. what do i know honestly, not what i want, but whats best for me.

i always complain that my life is so unbearingly (??) dull, that i hardly experience growth, that i am robbed of any experiences. honestly speaking, the past 2.2 years has been filled with so much growth, more than i ever experienced in my entire life thus far. and i thank God for giving me buds to help with that growth.  one year from now i'd be attending my own graduation ceremony and lol im really afraid for some reason, it is all too soon, all too fast, these years from 17-21 are so transient and fleeting. it really is just fear in general man. i mean of course i could always delay adulthood by going to uni yknow, and getting into uni itself is another problem man. will have to figure out how to land a rich partner so he can pay for all my uni fees ya i dont have to sacrifice unicorn blood to get me to a uni and also what if i decide to work instead? it would prolly be a full time thing, temporal until i get into uni.... which brings me back to square one lol. wish i had attained some sort of clarity when i was 16 and a stronger heart to take on jc then but honestly, i dont regret heading here. in fact, i think i was supposed to be here. plenty can happen in one year. pray with all my heart that one year from now i would be wiser, more mature, braver, and i guess, i have a year to learn and grow, i guess i have a year to figure that out.

THERE WAS LIGHT

 and the first breath reared its head into my chest

the way oxygen singed my lungs-

caressed every alveoli with its teeth-hands,

its tongue-heart licked incinerations so fervent, the sea could not tame.

the first time i sneezed,

an inferno bloomed.

i thought i tasted

soot.

the first step i took,

plucked the cords to feel the

tension in my sinews, in my limbs.

feet smothering my secrets into the sand,

the grains ingesting my laughless laughter,

will subsume with salt.

the colour of  veins when i bend my feet to face the light

makes me certain:

there are rivers running

through me.

the first dawn

was honey and light pinned to a tree.

i learnt that rays refract underwater,

that secondhand warmth

only provides so much heat

and that the sun is now my lighthouse.

sometimes i sleep in the ceramic bed,

slide into the silky cerulean pool.

i haven’t forgotten how to talk fish,

i still find traces of salt on my pillow.

my tongue is heavy, sated with saline.

most days i half expect to find brine between my teeth.

ns changes lives

I must mention this and flaunt to the entire world my best friend has finally after 6 YEARS showed affection DIRECTLY WITHOUT ANY PRESSURE to me for the first time I'm so happy it's such a regular day but this makes me smile for weeks