happy 4/4 of the new year

so here i am, sitting on my bed in PJs listening to 費玉清 not because im a classy bitch with exquisite taste in chinese oldies but because Apple Music recommended a playlist of Jay Chou influences, Apple Music which raph pays for, the same as how i watched all 10 seasons of Friends on Netflix which jurvis pays for. I'm horrid.


a few things i learnt:

as drake would say 'i've always been me i guess i know myself'
I KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!! i just dont know how to get to who i am................... and thats a problem for me

time can be incredibly malleable

thankful for george who is willing to run lame stressful errands with me after work and calming my ass down when i freak even when she's tired and it isnt even a proper outing but she does that for me bc she loves me and i am so undeserving-
thankful for pals who geek out with me, thankful for those who call me out and still love me, thankful for those who get my ass out of the house even if i deadass just wanna lie in bed the entire day, thankful for friends who take care of me and makes sure i have fun over themselves, thankful for friends who tell me straight when my writing sucks, if im being delusional, if im not subscribing to my own beliefs, thankful for friends who lend me half their library collection, who take cute photos of me, thankful for friends who show me their writing, who tell me their secrets, cry, laugh, friends that dance with me, friends that go to concerts with me, friends that send me weird telegram stickers, inside jokes, dialogs about music and shows and writing, for surprises for helping me understand how selfish i can be sometimes, for teaching me to love my family, for making fun of me, for holding my hand when i get scared in a crowd, for drawing my brows, teaching me how to do my eyeliner, for buying me tons of stuff, for telling me its ok to outgrow beloved relations, thankful for selfies sent from across oceans when we're apart, thankful for conversations that make me feel warm, bitter, blue, joy, thankful for friends.

thankful for family that pay for all my shit, who make me realise how immature i am when i'm pissed, for being supportive all 19 years of my life even when i cant make up my mind when it comes to huge ass life decisions, for worrying over my sorry ass when i get home late, for waking up from their sleep bc this girl forgot her keys and was stuck outside the house at 1am, thankful for tim who shows me opm and coldplay stuff, for my folks who come through for me, for my dad who leaves cash for my broke ass, my mum who keeps me in place, tim for teaching me to be patient, for family that has so much faith in me, thankful for family.


over the course of one year, i went through 2 internships, my first 2 big girl jobs- one at a startup with only 8 people including me and another at a huge coorporation located at the end of the world where i have to go through security checks just to get to my desk- i still haven't found what im looking for.

written more than i ever had the past 18 years of my life, delved into writing prose when i always thought poetry was my thing, read more than half of murakami's books, listened to more music than last year and then not listening to music for awhile and then listening to music again, going to concerts with the money ive hustled for, or won tickets to, dancing on my own, dancing with friends, kissing dogs in my arms, watching silicon valley, friends, master of none, the office, taking pictures with my eyes, with my lens, going on adventures, feeling miserable for a long time, listening to coldplay and crying, validation that i still think about whenever i doubt myself


i know im going to be scared. i am scared right now and i dont want to say that i will end the year being less scared than i was a year ago because im not even sure if that will happen. and i know i should end of a positive uplifting note, but i can't i really can't. i did alot of things this year, things im proud of, things that i feel are achievements and im happy. happy with my progress but at the same time there are so many things i haven't done, that are overdue but that's ok, i move at my own pace. im not sure if i'll be able to say the same at the end of 2k16, we'll see.

not even thinking clearly, the thought of being anywhere but here is enough to uproot me from what i held onto for the longest time, maybe i'll regret later, i'll find out soon enough.

can you say what you want? can you say what you want to be? can you be what you want?

some mornings when i board the train on the circle line, i sometimes meet this elderly couple sending their granchild about 4-5 years to school and the kid always looks so happy, so gentle. his grandparents would hold both his hands with him in the middle and he would just slide along. when they got to the top of the stairs to descend to the platform, the grandpa would squat infront of the kid to piggy back him all the way down. on the train the kid would sit on his grandma's lap and giggle when she kissed him and they leave the cabin two stops later in the same fashion, kid between them, arms dangling, and all i rmb thinking is- you are so loved, you are so loved, you have no idea how much love they have for you.

mornings like that were nice.