your heart's not broken, its only growing- gene belcher

it's 2pm on a Tuesday and im 20 years old

i'm still here. i've gotten quite shit at blogging, maybe my emotional processor just works better with age like an algorithm that learns with time and i dont have to write things to put things down or remind me of my existence.

things are well, i think i am well, in fact they couldn't be better. after my internship ended and after a month or so of lulling at home feeling sorry for my state of disinterest and lack of feeling, i applied a three-pronged approach to living. more like a three step approach or maybe three things i could busy myself with. and for the first time in awhile things are looking up. its a concept foreign to me. i'm not complaining.

things are alright and i am ok too. sometimes it gets so still at night lying on my bed listening to some tunes and i just lie there blinking right at the ceiling and i feel so disassociated with my body, like my hand is not my hand anymore, although it is attached to my wrist. i just stare into the ceiling and i feel so at peace, so quiet, so permanent. so completely aware at my startling existence and at the same time so cautious of my surroundings. i am here, i am here, i am here. it sounds so utterly cheesy but i do feel like i could dive into the heart of the world at times like these. im so clueless and displaced and lonely but its ok, in fact i think it has heightened my appreciation of everything. is this what being young entails? if so, i'm ok with the 'terrifying adulthood' trade off. being by myself is such a privilege.