it is what it is

im not going to ball up a fistful of excuses and throw them at my mirror, i know im not good enough, not enough capacity, not enough stamina, not enough ideas, half hearted ideas not travelling anywhere, lost to the fissures. at least im acknowledging this right? my tiredness is no excuse either, all i want to do is sleep for weeks, be alone in my own head for a while, dance to blood orange at 2pm when there's no one at home, lie on my bed and stare at the clouds at 4pm, pirouette around the living room like the carefree as fuck being i am, being 20 is all about being young right? i am allowed to indulge in this right? i hope so. its a bit strange, i've been feeling a bit strange, heart not quite aligned with my head, cant even string a cohesive sentence, a little trouble even talking about my day to someone, anyone who asks. i miss being alone, i want to stuff my ears with my earphones and walk wherever my feet will take me. i miss being away, i wish i was away, this is a fact i cannot alter, but i have absolute control of my solitude. careful not to cut my feet on shards of self doubt scattered around the tiles. im not ready for this either and at the same time i was born ready. this is all i've ever wanted for the longest time, i do, and i believe, this is when i can completely submerge and dive into the heart of the world. im not sure why but i believe, again, i believe that a year from now i wouldnt even be here, i'd be someplace else where displacement is apparent but does not taste like copper, where the air is forever spritely, me in my little boots, arms hooked with a pal, on cobbled streets maybe, on dirt paths perhaps, anywhere but here. its just a feeling but by now i've mastered the art of diagnosing my own gut. next week i will have no more excuses, i have to bite this, own it, make it mine. i hope to look back on this and laugh at my own despair.