always in my head

I think i am finally able to put into words, (albeit rather incoherently or in too simplistic terms, but words nevertheless) about this strange strange state of mind i've been feeling for the past few months. All the greats, all the great writers, poets, musicians, artists, all had great loves, great absorbency when it comes to emoting and then processing and translating it into gold. Gold with misery as its basis, components like yearning and ache and feeling joy in your ache and comfort even and recognising that they are so safe in their sorrow- it is their second skin. And it is always heartache. I cannot find a better term for heartache so i shall stick to it. Presently i am listening to the live version of 'Always in My Head' by Coldplay and the first few lines go like this 'i think of you/ i haven't slept/ i think i do/ but i don't forget/ my body moves, goes where i will/ but though i try my heart stays still' and this sounds ridiculous but i feel like crying just listening to this song i cannot explain it, i dont have a particular face or person this song is aimed towards. In fact it is none. I do not have anyone to feel that great ache for and my heart is aching and stinging so much from listening to this. It is not just this song, but certain fragments and lines and poetry too. Lines that have no relation no context to my situation and it is laughable. It is almost foolish. How is it that i am aching for something that has yet to befall upon me? Why am i even expecting something as terrible as an old wound, dull throb to last me an entire life? But it is not just this instance. Many times I read/see something, be it a song, work of art, poem, words and I just cringe and idk but there is this feeling lodge within my ribcage, i can see myself going through a great ache, it is just that i have not met the person to induce it to me. What a strange concept to wrap my mind around. Why would anyone want to be the one to induce an ache upon someone, to inspire anyone to bleed out for? One person is enough material to last several lifetimes. You can never stop milking the ache only draw it out longer, time does not erase, it only preserves. But to expect that kind of situation and then recover from it, is almost impossible. I've learnt that that are some things you cannot wipe out completely. And somehow time just washes every single thing i thought i've learnt through my experiences. I know and rmb nth now. How to feel, how to ache, how to give and how to take, how to be with someone w/o losing yourself completely. I cannot do all of that anymore. My slate has been wiped clean. This is what time does to me. When i am in the moment i think to myself, 'oh, this is what it means to be doused in misery, this is what fuels your writing, this is what ache feels like, you will never get better no matter how much you try.' but i did. I did get better. And I am just confused at my ability to forget things and emotions so quickly. And it feels like i've never ached. But it is untrue because I did. I really did. But it was so fleeting, aren't I suppose to hang onto grievances? Perhaps it was not that great to begin with. And now such songs and films and words are enough to break me to fragments. So ironic. How do i learn to ache? Why am I expecting myself to ache like that? I like to think that I have a rather cheerful disposition. That I am more so happy than sad. That i am self-sufficient and I know I am. I am very self-sufficient. I just don't think I have been any less sufficient yet before I learn to feel that kind of constant yearning/pining/desire and knowledge that you will always be left behind by person who inflicted said ache upon you. At this point in time I am repeating myself so many times you are prolly sick of reading this. Why am I even writing this out? Why am I yearning to yearn for someone until I felt like I've bled for them? Yes, I think i've got it out. I am yearning to yearn for an ache that cannot be dissolved. Which is so unnecessary. And pretentious and right now I am so disgusted with myself and this yearning I have what the hell kristie. Maybe in time all these ache I feel for with no face in particular will take shape. Even then I won't be fulfilled. Tell me how to be fulfilled when your greatest ache wants to be away from you? Perhaps my emotional threshold is expanding, perhaps I am just a conflicted self-sufficient yet lonely yet too forward looking 18 year old who shouldn't feel so much for things that have not yet happened to me. Perhaps.