almost-nothing and somethings

now it just feels like my heart is clenching into a fist, like an inner force fuelled by almost-ache (interior) and almost-nothing (exterior), acting as a vacuum- physics has taught me that a change in pressure will cause an object to collapse upon itself, into itself. it will shrivel and writhe and be reduced to a dried up prune, sitting hollow into my chest, which is expanding because of all these 'almost-nothing' emotions that account for 'something' and it has to accommodate all my 'somethings'.
all i ever do is dream of you and feel sorry for myself. all i want is the world in you.

只能說我認了
你的不安贏得你信任
我卻得到你 安慰的淘汰

finding myself between salts,
between carbon and glass
between ribcage and copper
finding you between seas
between teeth and throat
finding you everywhere and nowhere

here i am, finding myself between states, i think i fall in love with a certain archetypal.

wrote this a while back, to be honest i quite like this darker style, took me a whole afternoon to feel as if ive died a thousand times over, i havent been writing in a while, so here's smth anyway- make myself guilty for not writing

trying to die

Today I am trying to die.

Two strokes, are all I need, across my wrists, vermillion and silk, scrawled in haste, are proof I’ve paid my debts, ‘let me in, let me in’. Alas I lack artistic direction, and taste. This will not be a masterpiece.

Perhaps I should drown.

In the pool? Where children can gawk at my nakedness? Shield your eyes, avert them. Today you will start swimming lessons, so you will not sink on your own accord. What about the sea? Where I watched you wail at the waves until you were hoarse and bruised? Remember the gaslights that painted our shadows, stretching over tarmac like bandages? I recall the grains plastered on my back, falling off when I rolled over, ingesting your laughter whole, sweat and sand, teeth against skin, bare and blue. Fucking on the beach, that was your idea. You spat me out, eventually, grind and salt, brine and breeze. You’d always chose the sea. My head still churns and my nails are bent, toss a rock into the ocean, it sinks, lay your body to rest, it surfaces. Taunt me, sneer at me, scorn at my wits, but let me, let you, leave me. You asked me once how I’d like to die. I told you I was afraid of death, that I would live forever, by your side, of old age and liver spots. Now I shut my eyes while driving along the shore, too reckless, too rapid. I hold my breath underwater waiting for my lungs to swell, until my skin is raw. All I do is beg at the sea, ‘let me in, let me in.'

I'm always talking about having smth worth bleeding for and how I don't have any... But I think I do. I want to write, if I can't be away I'll write then. I've been so focused on what I do not have I completely overlook what I possess. It doesn't matter if I don't have 'earth-shatteringly heartbreaking' 'things' happening to me.. Just because I experience less or feel less, am I making lesser out of life? The phrasing is completely off but am I making lesser out of life? I hope not. Am I too greedy to want so much out of life that I demand horrible or incredible, just so I can feel like I'm 'living'?! It's pretty ridiculous now that I think of it. Here I sit, idle in the middle. It's not a bad spot, I am still feeling, feeling so much and nothing at the same time. Here I am still learning and growing, maybe not exponentially, but I still am. I am a very impatient person, but I'll wait for things I cannot chase. I do not give up , for things that can be chased, I'll peruse relentlessly. 

want to be away i think thats all i ever wanted

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please

Come along with me
To a cliff under a tree
Where we'll gaze upon the water
As an everlasting dream

All of my affections
I give them all to you
Maybe by next summer
We won't have changed our tunes

Cause we'll want to be
In this town beside the sea
Making up new numbers
And living so merrily

All of my affections
I give them all to you
I'll be here for you always
And always be for you

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please
Living so merrily