heart swell

all my life, i've always wanted to be away from this place. i came to loathed the continual torridity, the monotony of life, how the education system was unfair. all i ever wanted was to leave, i said i didnt feel at home anywhere, didnt belong to a place. over the past week ive come to understand how ignorant and obstinate ive been and the grass really isnt always greener on the other side.

i have no one to blame but myself for my incapability to find ~life~ even in the most monotonous of things. because tbh, even though my life mainly revolves around school, it is anything but stale. i said i hated the education system, but honestly looking back, i have many options, i wasnt forced to continue with what i hated, how can i blatantly say i wasnt given a choice when i did make a choice to pursue smth more appealing to me? i think many things ive come to take for granted. in cambodia i felt so at peace but i know better, if i were born there i could forget about even having the opportunity to come into contact with literature. i say i want winter nights, the warmth christmas brings when snow falls, ive come to realise i can always travel overseas to experience that. i cannot believe how ignorant and how ungrateful i have been all this time. then again i change my mind everyday. i say i want to migrate to taiwan when im older, i think i still do, but maybe i'd decide otherwise when time draws nearer. i think its also time i realise that after 19 years, i am most fortunate to have been born in singapore.

riplky

when my time comes around/
lay me gently in the cold dark earth/
no grave can hold my body down/
i'll crawl home to her

sometimes i wonder. is greatness predestined by God? are a select few handpicked and have greatness thrown upon them, or does a man seek greatness by himself? and if greatness is selective then would it be an excuse to not seek for it by yourself, knowing you may never attain it? of course greatness is subjective, but circumstance does determine where you stand and how you proceed.

no one- not even yourself- is going to hurt you

ventured into this novel with an open mind, gordy first introduced kafka on the shore to me, and i read his copy of it. its such a peculiar strange alluring novel. so many things i cannot fathom nor wrap my mind around but so many feelings i understand (or perhaps i dont) but these feelings kafka endured, it becomes secondhand for me. it is hard to imagine how any 15 year old boy is capable of such an offhand manner of living, or falling in love with the past self of a person currently still alive in the present, but this is fiction and physics does not have to be be consistent in fiction. i feel every bit as enamoured as he is, and for a brief moment i might have felt what its like to be in love with two variations of the same person. perhaps we all have.

it still puzzles me, if johnnie walker and kafka's father are the same person, who the hell is colonel sanders???? and what caused the rice bowl hill incident? i guess i'll never know and there isnt really an answer, i do know that if you believe in a prophecy hard enough, it'll come true


kafka on the shore- haruki murakami, left little claw marks all over my heart, pried open my mind a little, made me feel alot more

God made another one of me to love you better than i ever will

I rmb hearing Ed Sheeran the very first time on radio when i was about 14/15 and guess what i actually thought to myself 'lol this dude sounds like every white guy with a guitar lmao confirm one hit wonder' WELL GUESS WHAT PAST KRISTIE?? EAT UR DAMN WORDS!!!! its strange because i've never really been an ultimate crazy coldplay fangirl about Ed, he has always been such a comfortable companion throughout my angsty teen years and only through some rather ~*rough*~ times did i start to really listen to him and basically he's pretty much the english version of jay chou to me ya AND SOMETIMES WHEN IM FEELIN LONELY (pretty much all the time) AND WHEN I PUT ED ON AND EVERY SINGLE LYRIC CUTS ME LIKE STEEL TO MY HEART and i wonder how he has the capacity to feel so much and to see him so successful makes my heart sing and lol what right do i have to say this but, with no one to direct all my unattended feelings to, his songs are pretty much mellifluous noise to me, and poetry, and its such a shame bc its not the proper response Ed deserves?? do u feel? maybe one day i'll be lucky enough to feel sadness and joy all at the same time. Thank you Ed for such a lovely incredible evening, i hope to feel what you felt once one day too.

'I think of rivers, of tides. Forests and water gushing out. Rain and lightning. Rocks and shadows. All of these are in me.'

i want to swallow your world raw. come home. i want to chip at the hem of your feet, have you leak as you limp, leave crimson puddles so i'd follow. come back.

i want to break your knee caps, to make you notice the dirt. can you see my flesh, my cartilage, my bones and dust? this is sand and these are my years. come now.

i want to wear your skin on my back, like animal's hide, i'd peel off your layers, mark incisions on the topogaphy of your skin-  this is where my teeth-hands unclenched, here is where my tongue-heart unlearns the lilts of your name. i want to give you back your cartology, come please. 

i want to watch you writhe. cackle as you dry out in the heat, you are so tender and raw, i almost halt the saline. this house is trembling for you, wipe your shoes on my cheek, come here please, where its safe-  honey i've been so polite. 

feed me glass from your spine, i'd pluck from your throat and we'd share your adam's apple. 

honey now my mouth is empty, honey, all i'd i ever do now is talk gravel.