happy 3/4 of a not so new year

degrading, i slowly am, so much and nothing to say at the same time,

where do i begin?

GOODBYE SCHOOL

nightmare studying law. i do hope it is the last time i'll ever get to say 'i'm a law student..... kinda' i think my brain just has less capacity yknow, its not a good/bad thing its just a fact and im recognizing it. like i would like to think everyone has a certain brain capacity- limits ur brain has and i'm missing the drawer where 'adequate at understanding law' is kept. i mean its not that i completely not get it, its interesting but it's how i feel about math. you kinda know the method but actually u realise halfway through answering the question ur kidding urself about knowing the method but you continue anyway because there's nth much you can do except pray you get method marks. pretty much me during sec3-4. BUT IM GLAD MATH AND LAW ARE DISTANT MEMORIES. 

my last sem in school was undoubtedly my fave and best quite proud of myself and it also solidifies whatever doubts i had about writing, im bad at things in general but at least i can probs live day to day writing tweets for celebs LMAO im jk but ya u get my drift. at the same time im really tired of copywriting, like u wanna pour ur soul into it but at the same time i can't yknow.

how to say, it's energy from a completely different faucet of writing, its fun no doubt but after awhile it all tastes the same. 

speaking of school

HOPES AND DREAMS 4 MY FUTURE AND THEN REALISING HOW UNFEASIBLE THEY ARE

i am vvvv fickle. my two worst traits, being too idealistic and too fickle its like i rob myself of chances bc i cant commit and i flicker from two extreme ends. its horrible, but yet im not doing anything to change this about myself. so maybe i deserve it?? idk la one moment i want this, the next i dont, its become so regular its like i surprise myself if i dont change my mind at least twice. 

of course i think about it alot, that it consumes me but once im past that stage, it all seems so blurry and far. i'll prolly worry about this again in a few months time. but yes, a new stage of my life, i can't wait, i really can't!! and there's this comfort in my chest, that God is with me and its just this renewed sense of hope??? 

like a glove from which a hand has been withdrawn

sometimes i think about hannah from Girls and im just praying to God i don't ever turn out like her. not sure if i should give myself excuses 'don't worry, use this as a test, at least you know what you dont want do in the future.' then again am i being idealistic af again? choosing never to settle, or blindly holding onto the hope that i'll have a career that actually makes me feel alive? or am i too picky? living every week looking forward to the weekends.... that's a good reason to not settle right? right????? right??????????????????? 

heart

i miss gordy everyday, i dont know how and when but i just do and im amazed i can say i've had a best friend for 13 years and counting. i miss george all the time too, she makes me so proud, i look at her and my heart just swells with so much pride. i miss kenneth too, im so glad i can keep him safe in my heart, i miss LRR too and our adventures and feeling young. i miss many things i didnt even know i miss. i miss cambodia and i miss bratislava. i miss taiwan the most, i still want to live there eventually. i miss being by myself, lying on my bed with netflix or a book or just lying and thinking about things in general. this year has been incredibly tiresome and lengthy and jan feels like years ago. my concept of time is so warped. im not sure when i'll blog again (lmao sound like wannabe bloggers/influencers leh... sg how small sia how many xmm/kids u wanna influence plus all influencers look the same except for the really #AUTHENTIC #ALLME4REALZ ones with #TRUSTYLE the rest really is just same face same clothes same personality, or rather no personality like lol............ instagram captions all cmi ok enough bitching haha) 

i hope to meet my goal of 15 books by the end of the year, it probs wont happen but IVE READ MORE BOOKS THIS YEAR THAN ANY OTHER YEAR SO THATS A FIRST STEP IN A SERIES OF RANDOM STEPS YA?????????

how do i discern, choose wisely between listening to my own thoughts, the first 'you move at your own pace, don't you worry' and 'you're falling behind'? how???? 怎麼辦????

maybe i've been reading too much murakami, maybe i've met my threshold, maybe i've become a murakami character because in the first place its not hard to be one because literally all the main characters are so average i guess its what makes them relatable. its not a bad thing i suppose, i am clueless and lonely and displaced, more so now than ever.