I've got soul but I'm not a soldier

Wow it'll be March tmr and 2 months have flew past just like that. But really, time flies whether you're having fun or not. Anyhoo, I haven't watched my American sitcoms since forever and the void in my soul has become so deep, so bottomless, I REALLY DO NEED THEM. so badly. God this is almost like an addiction. Well thank God Glee is having a hiatus now so that means I can catch up on the episodes I missed but with the removal of my trusty sidereel, the world is JUST not right I swear all my usual links are banned/removed/gone... Tell me, how could I ever watch himym/glee/2bg ever again?? This is quite agonizing. But I shall conquer and never die................

Almost a month more to Melizo and so many things are not secured. Sigh I'm afraid and worried but then again its not too late to work extra hard to make up for how tragic we sound. On the bright side, THERE'S GONNA BE LASER TAG IN CHURCH ON MSG IN MARCH, WHADDUP! HAHA gonna be legen-wait for it-DARY! Shihui's getting discharged tmr so hallelujah. These days I've been listening to a lot of older songs, don't ask why but 'With or Without You'- U2 and 'Losing my Religion'- R.E.M ARE BOTH LIKE SUPER GOOD SONGS TRUST ME. I WISH MUSIC NOWADAYS WAS LIKE MUSIC BACK THEN.

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happy 16th

Dear Sistaa,
Sweetest most wonderful sistaa in the whole ahem bed in the universe! ITS YOUR SPECIAL DAY TMR! are you excited?? i bet you are, you're prolly staying up till 12am so you can see ppl wishing you Happy Bday and flooding your inbox right? HAH, knew it. Thank you for always being there for me with your annoying silly laughter and beautiful feminine covers, i love them so much! may you enjoy yourself tmr sistaa! Pls be patient, you'll get your gift super soon! GUESS WHO'S GETTING OLD TOO? haha HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BDAY!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Max or Caroline from 2BG, your pick.
p.s. i think i should be Max.

ultra gaaaaaaay

Apologies for not blogging for ages. Anyway this post is dedicated to the MOST ANNOYING BOY EVER. Haha pls I didn't want to be direct but your art is pretty terrible. In a tragic manner. Seriously that mindmap drawing of me... Looks nothing like me. At least my drawing of you is quite passable. ^^v mann, I can't get over how 'ultra gaaaaaay' you get when you giggle! I mean seriously! Which guy giggles?! But that just shows that you actually have an 'innocent' side huh! Haha I hoped you studied egeog because I didn't. Actually I kinda did but its so hard to absorb. Anyways, its gonna be another great day tmr filled with innuendos by the workshop speakers IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HAHA stop drawing 9gag stuff! Sleep early goodnight and cya tmr Bryan! ^^ and you better stop making fun of my cover or else..............

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if only

I really wished that someone, from halfway around the world reads my blog regularly. I go on Tumblr and I see all these 'tumblr famous' folks and yes they truly deserve it, all their insights and personalities shine through from their posts. I'm gonna sound really desperate but HECK, HAHA I really do wish some kid/adult/lonely soul from oceans apart visits my blog (yes this blog) frequently and actually looks forward to my posts. I want so badly for my blog to be known (for all the right reasons of course), its all about being appreciated. Anyhoo, I decided to try my luck and inboxed 2 of my Tumblr crushes, well Luke from Manchester, England replied my message and I AM SO SMITTEN! ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD AGAIN. Haha but I would only ask of him to read my blog, I mean, this is where I can truly feel at home with all my words/thoughts, where my lonely mind is portrayed so clearly, where I can get all personal and wimpy and where all I have to offer the world are my musings and recollections. I really wish someone from timezones away reads my blog and thinks to himself/herself 'Hey this kid is interesting'. Being appreciated, its a pretty awesome feeling.

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I would run to the ends of the earth

I AM SO EXHAUSTED. but today was succha glorious day! Heh XMC, played captain's ball to welcome the sec 1s and to be honest, our team fared really embarrassingly. Ky and jiankai were like the better players its so hilarious how David and sistaa fail at being the goalkeeper HAHA well, I played mah best alright, though most of the time the ball flies right through my hands. Anyway, we then combined teams and played this mega huge round of captains ball HAHA so fun ^^ I must say our Beauty and the Beast choreography is finally done, thank God. The alumni choir sounds amazing btw, while waiting we had our photoshoot on the parade square it was so hilarious, we all have similar profile pictures now! I love my choir clique so much. We had quite a lot of shots of the alumni choir and while waiting for them to complete sectionals, we found the choir comm at the basketball court and all of us recorded two covers, 'Rolling in the Deep' and 'Jar of Hearts' and I have to say it was not bad ;) it was really sweet, all of us sat in a circle at the court under the blanket of stars (not really) and with the karaoke video playing, we sang ^^ to be honest I'm dreading Melizo, cuz after that we would have to step down and I'm gonna miss choir, a whole lot. :l gonna cherish every single moment now. Actually to be honest, the most memorable part of any performance is the journey leading up to the spotlight. Yes, the moment we have on stage is almost indescribable, I feel like I've got so much to show the world and the audience's applause is just really magical and deserving. But of course, the journey makes everything deep. Oh yes bryan tried a second mentalist trick on me, bryan if you're reading this, I'm sorry I wasn't focusing all my energy on transmiting my shape into your mind or whatever you asked me to do, I was in fact trying mah best not to laugh but I did stare at your forehead to try focusing, that's why it wasn't successful HAHA don't kill me Kay :p and Ivan tried some newspaper trick honestly I don't get it, because if he asked me to choose a word, I'll pick the coolest sounding word not some word I didn't notice yet 'was captured by the corner of my eye'.  Overall today was a great day,and I hope all of you have a lovely weekend ahead.

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dirty little secret

So today was Total Defence Day, and instead of the regular fire drill we had an IPP drill which is basically what we need to do during a chemical attack. And during recess the canteen rationed porridge and sweet potato which wasn't that bad actually. I think we all need to be thankful everyday that Singapore is so peaceful, we sometimes take that for granted. Anyhoo, I think 'Rolling in the Deep' is like the unofficial anthem of XMC, we sing it at least once every choir practice. Heh, apparently I'm supposed to help out for this Friday's sec 1 orientation for choir, thanks to Gerard, mann my plans to be the 'cool senior' have been thwarted! HAHA wow can't wait!

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sweet like honey

Second year in a row now! So pleasantly surprised, its so nice to know that even though you've graduated you still think of me! :) wow today was a brilliant day, I can feel all the solid-ness of the friendships I've forged today, going to miss XMS so much!

Well I guess the sad thing was that Coldplay didn't win anything at the Grammys but I guess Foo Fighters deserved it too so I'll get over it heh I will still love Coldplay endlessly.

And how can you have feelings for someone when all you know is the tip of the iceberg of all the skeletons she has in her closet?

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somebody that I used to know

It's true, you can get be addicted to a resigned sadness. Sometimes its comforting to be sad because its a familiar feeling. I guess no one can ever be truly happy. There's always going to be a certain type of sadness. Even the sadness of not knowing sadness. Ok I'm not making sense at all. I guess I will definitely miss this kind of sadness since I alr made up my mind to change my way of living. Maybe I'll still feel this sadness but I know I will get better. After awhile this has formed a habit and its gonna take a lot to break a habit much less forget everything. This is going to be so hard. I don't know if I can do this. But I'll keep trying, I have to. And I will succeed.  And everything will be alright again.

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what I am going to do next

Believe me I tried. And every time I find myself back at square one. So hopeless, so pathetic. I guess its really time for me to stop. Everyone's saying the same things and maybe I should heed their advice. It's against my will so its hard to do. But I think I get the logic. That its all in the mind. It's just me and my own deadly thoughts. It's never going to be the same and I have to live with it. I am just going to do what's against my own will. I have one more day to change my course and pull myself together. After this weekend I am not going to look back. After this weekend I will forget everything. After this weekend, everything I've known and believed in, will be reduced to dust.

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what if?

I think most of the time, whatever we feel or think in our minds, rarely comes out the same form from our mouths. There are so many feelings in the world but not enough words to pinpoint them. So sometimes we might say we're 'dismayed, weary and desolate.' But what you're actually feeling is nothing like how you said you are. It may be close, but it can never be correct. I don't know about you, but whenever there's a whole tsunami of thoughts gurgling in my mind, I can never fully convey them. I'll leave somethings out, or maybe I'll over exaggerate and it wouldn't be the same. Would it be safe to state we say about only 5% of our feelings/thoughts as hard as we try? The mind is a complex creature, the heart on the other hand can be manipulated by the mind. But if we could say 100% of what's on our mind, how different would this world be? I think this would make us vulnerable/exposed but then again this level of honesty could probably lead to thousands of roads that you would never walk down in reality.

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melancholy twentieth-century light

'Noah told me that there's a day during the summer when the sun hits the broad avenues at such an angle that you experience the sensation of the whole city being flooded by a melancholy twentieth-century light, even the most prosaic, unloved buildings appearing bright and nuclear at the edge of your vision, and that when this happens you want to both cry for something lost and run out there and welcome the decline of the day. ' -Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart.

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do not go gentle

WHAT IS UPZZZZZZZ my sistaa's younger brother has the sweetest most adorable voice ever! He recorded 'Mine' for me (yes, all for me!) And I've listened to it like for a hundred times alr! Ahhh~~~ anyway, Aderic borrowed my chem workbook from me sometime ago and today he asked me to lend it to him again and he was acting all suspicious hinting that he did smth to it. But of course I didn't think too much and so during chem today, I happened to flip the the last page of my chem workbook and I saw........ A CHINESE SUICIDE LOVE NOTE WRITTEN OVER THE WHOLE PAGE IT WAS SO HILARIOUS HAHA I'll post the note up here soon haha but basically the first part talked about how mysterious person fell for me and second part was a total rip off from the sappy Taiwanese love novel which is obviously contributed by Adrian. It was in his handwritting anyway. HAHA it was so funny I had a supreme shock! These guys are total jokers. Tsk tsk!

Speaking of love stories, I've finished reading 'Super Sad True Love Story' by Gary Shteyngart. Well I have to say its one of the toughest books to digest maybe because Gary's writing style is pretty abstract. Like he describes his characters with very inanimate adjectives. Making it hard to imagine, but perhaps this further accentuates the very nature of his characters, making them more alive than ever. Very alive in nature is Lenny, the main dude. He is almost 40 and so hopelessly in love with Eunice, a Korean who's 24. The story spans across how they meet, how he courts her (or rather forces her to fall for him) how Eunice falls for him, their trails and tribulations of their relationship, how Eunice cheats on Lenny with his boss, and how she leaves him and finally, how Lenny is never quite complete now that she's left. But this isn't your typical love novel. This is barely a love story. It's more like a story of how a relationship unfolds in the unstable/on the brink of collapsing America. Lenny may be the supposed victim in the story but really, he is the selfish one. Yes indeed, he is completely in love with Eunice but his parents mistake of being unworthy parents have somehow sent him away to hunt for love and approval in everyone. And also how he is so depressed and conflicted with his own beliefs. It made him a hard person to deal with on a very personal deep level. But like I said, the novel was really about how America was losing itself in a detached unemotive fire, how ppl have lost touch with actual human interactions...... Overall a deep book. I think I need to reread it. Yes its a super sad love story but to me, it felt more like the 'super sad mind of Lenny' pretty interesting read nonetheless. Especially how it also centres on the ppls' desire to live forever. Which I found disturbing but intriguing. Says a lot about the value of being a real human being. Haha gonna look for new books to ponder!

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you must not know bout me,

Okaye I did my first official solo cover. The audio quality seriously sucks (excuses HAHA) I sent it to my sistaa and his younger bro, was actually a pretty good critique (he's the same age as Tim so that's pretty impressive.) And he wants to record a cover for me aww! :3 btw I did 'If I Were A Boy', meh I can't sing the songs that I usually listen to because they're mostly sung by male singers and if I sang an octave higher it would be too high eg. (The Fray) but defeat is not an option, I will prevail and conquer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I'm high.

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I'm so grateful right now, thank God really. Life is that fragile. One day you're here, the next you're gone. Issit medically possible for anyone to live forever? If you continuously replenish your circulatory system with pure clean blood, and inject vitamins and minerals and maybe replace your vital organs and drink alkaline water and eat organics and work out and always remain stress free, could you live forever? Would you want to live forever?

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in the end

Sigh. Looks like I have to drop higher Chinese after all. I think it'll be better this way but I can't help but feel like a huge disappointment. What else have I done other than causing such amounts of disappointment? Every single time. In the end..it all comes down to this.

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