從前從前

yo yo wassup the 2 week break felt like 2 days but at least it was better than nth anyway i cannot recall much other than LRR's and kenenth's face
-having LRR over, (singing jay chou and pulling the greatest prank of all time)
-us crashing kenneth's swanky new condo, (eating alot and crying alot and hating lyf alot)
-doing work with kae at holland (almost had no money to pay for our ramen, affording only PLAIN water for free wifi)
-fulfilling our ritual of watching every single transformers movie, (i prefer shia. always shia)
-picking up the guitar again (this time for surprise surprise CHINESE songs) (specifically jay chou songs)
-typing in traditional chinese
-singing karaoke with LRR's bro, ZM
-feeling emotional on buses and CRYING im a loser hahah
-going to the stadium THRICE this week to explore,
(trapped/locked inside at my first time- sneaking into cordoned off areas feeling badass but actually on our guards the entire time/actually getting locked behind the gates/trying to escape/hardcore parkouring inside/opening fridge doors/entering a parallel universe),
(waking up at 6/spending half my day there on my second, getting my dates messed up/scouting for water polo boys/being forced to dance on the street by an enthusiastic lady/getting free milo/feeling very very inconsequential at the magnitude of the stadium/spinning on fancy new age playgrounds with toose/feeling most at home with toose/taking polariods at h&m/taking photos at ANOTHER photobooth)
learning how to bend light and bend architecture this morning) ((bending architecture, what does that even mean?)) (waking up at 6/meeting a bunch of ppl with the kindest of hearts/awed and amazed by architecture/might want to be an architect now/i am actually srs/having breakfast with strangers/feeling so inspired and touched at their goodwill)
-think i may be a weird mum (my encounter with abigail (sadly she does not go to church anymore i want to die)/putting diapers on the twinsies heads and laughing at them
-thinking about person i may still kinda fancy (just a little) and wondering if my gut feeling is right/could be delusion could be boredom/feeling miserable
-watching the world cup (actually a miracle because sports always ends up making me bleed in one way or another/witnessing italy leaving and feeling miserable again)

school starts tmr, have a great first day of school

i am a week ago, think i've mastered the art of displacement, leave my mind where my body is not

churchies

olá!!!!!!! i am back from my incredibly short trip away from sg wish it couldve been someplace else and also wish i wasn't back home anyway this year's camp integrated every single member into the programmes which i thought was great like everyone is involved either way because thats what a church does it is all inclusive right???? fun times but i think im getting old, staying up seems rather unappealing i'd rather be back in my room sleeping. belicia and i managed to finish our vid AND I CANNOT LISTEN TO FLUTES FOR A LONG TIME TO COME PLS it was so random yet it works idk mann i have nth to say i still prefer my easter vid that was more coherent and this was so random yet related lol i shall just leave it (ppl liked it tho so that was pretty great) i should talk about the 4 days chronologically but i think i have stm so i will recount it in points

1) on the last day of camp i realised that im gonna be watching my batch of 18year olds bring their other halves to church sooner or later and then prolly attend their weddings and get jobs and our kids would be friends with each other AND IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE CHEST AND I FELT QUITE EMOTIONAL FOR A MOMENT i cant believe it mann its so strange, we meet only once a week yet these are the ppl i'll be spending a lifetime with and suddenly once a week just seems too minimal yknow and the 20 year olds have alr brought theirs to church and not like i want to be in a r/s but its like woah i dont wanna die alone either mann literally my greatest fear is to be in my late 20s and attend all the weddings of my friends ALONE. i will leave the country if that happens and delete all SM accounts and be blissfully ignorant. i calculated, i'll get married after at least 5 years of dating and i want to get married by 27 so i have to meet Soulmate by 22 which leaves me with 3 and a half years waiting around holy crap thats like only 2 more church camps and hopefully by 20 i would have brought Soulmate to churchies with me THIS IS ALOT OF PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!! but then again the goal is to be living in Taiwan 10 years from now so that means after a mere year of marriage i'll be out of the country hmmmm

2) there was this korean family in my group and the dad is so cool mann he was a fricking DJ in college and worked at nightclubs woah and he was called DJ Dilation HAHAHHA thats like fricking cool mann if my dad was a DJ i'd be so proud but now hes a Korean pastor on the weekends what a career jump. anyway their kids are adorable they all have american accents esp their youngest, Abigail!!!! shes 3 and a half and she is so weird mann she is NOT AT ALL LIKE TYPICAL KIDS shes so dramatic a cutie pie and she licked the chairs at the dining area and she dances in a really weird manner HAHA girl just dont care mann i love her and we communicated with each other through the characters on our shirts HAHAHAH fricking joke my kid has to be like her mann if im not im gonna abandon them LOL jk i think this is the kind of mum i'll be lol talking to my kids through shirts hahahaa

3) still think its kinda strange my SA VP goes to the same church as me and my dad and I even spoke to her while i was still in SA and thank God she doesnt recognise me its quite funny cuz during camp her husband sang 月亮代表我的心 to her on the mike quite cute and sweet la i think its even more awkward for Jairus lol

4) watched 2 matches throughout camp with kest and the second night i wasnt allowed in the bar cuz i didnt have money to get a drink #annoyed so kest and i dragged chairs to the back to the bar and watched from outside HAHAHA typical singaporeans. he fell asleep halfway but i dont blame him it was a disaster mann the entire match

5) the main point of church camps is to learn the message but i fell asleep in like all of them which is terrible of me but this year's theme was kinda irrelevant to me or maybe im just finding excuses hmm two years is actually a pretty long time i felt like i have evolved so much over the course of 2 years wah wah wah cannot wait for the next camp :)))))))))

jay chou songs are making me hella emotional nowadays this is a delayed phase but im starting to be marvelled at the simplicity and complexity of chinese lyrics wat cried on the way back from msia while listening to 晴天 JOKE lol but its such a sad song every single jay chou song describes my situation mann i need to give myself an ultimatum and actually stick to it, disappointed with myself mann i thought i had more willpower than this :'(

我不要再想, 

我不要再想, 

我不, 我不, 

我不要再想你。

yo yo been reading murakami's the elephant vanishes, i think a little of his style influenced that previous post. i think i am still in the midst of exploring or figuring out what exactly my style is. it is strange. sometimes a single word or concept is enough to spark off a wild chain of ideas providing enough material for multiple works. alas i lack the experience and odd slight quirkiness of murakami and his very impressive imagination but im glad im starting to purge words out again- unhealthy but still better than nothing.

things i am sure of

i am positive that should he lay eyes on someone else, i will most surely disintegrate like dust. not even crack- my skin drawing hairline fractures, spreading like roots. no i would not even exceed 'crumble'. that would be too intense. i will curl up like the smoke from chimneys, dissipate and dispel. i always wondered if the circumference of a chimney affected the way it dispensed smoke. dispense is a strange word to use. 'shall we dispense with the forced civilness?' or  'she dispensed my medicine' yet i feel it is the only appropriate word to justify my depletion. 

so here i lay, this is nothing but smoke and mirrors i am confounded within my own means. it is quite the talent. now i am reminded of a murakami quote. 'I want to see him. I want to see him so badly I could die. That’s the only thing that seems certain.' this explains everything. with every passing day of our last encounter i am reaching my demise. i think i am in the process of dying. but i do not want to alarm anyone. my reflection retains the same half pained perpetually surprised expression. like when a non-particularly attractive stranger asks for your number. not like that unfortunate incident has ever befallen upon me, but this should help you visualize. it is a strange situation nonetheless. in all 18 years of my insignificant existence i have come to realise that love is flexible and non-defining. i have chosen to love only you. 

this could be easy, could be simple. after all it is. 

i think that if you were the sea, i'd tie rocks to my chest before going for a dip in the waters.

i think that if you were a burning house, i'd become part of your debris. 

i think that if you were science, i'd name love after you. 

i think i had enough with reducing myself to metaphors.

i think i love only you. 

There they are! The madmen, arriving in troops, their skin replaced with crust, bodies providing temporary respite for flies. They come in colours scrawling notes into the sky throwing their throats upwards, cackling 'There is no GOD! There is only Death! Death is the surest thing about life! Death is our God!'

i am trying to do a mirrored parallel to Nietzsche's 'Death of God' and i am prolly too ambitious but lol lemme try and if i fail it'll be quite funny no? 

'I fell and fell and fell until I was so deep in love that love resembled a well, steep sides with no way out'

finished The Seas by Samantha Hunt after almost 3 years HUNTing (hahahah) for it in libraries and holding it in my palms at kino couple of times before caving in and getting ANOTHER book instead hahahah but now that i finally found it in NLB i must say that its my second favourite book now i cannot begin to even illustrate how tender and intricate the analogies and ache are crafted out. and all the sea related imagery and themes.. it makes me wanna stay in it forever. and Hunt actually achieves her goal of making it hella creepy because firstly the main character (i am starting to realise she might not have a name or maybe i did not notice but) the main character is so so so in love with a 33 year old man (she is 19) it is almost insane you actually ache for her i would list all my favourite sentences and phrases but then that would be the entire book i am going to buy this book and read it when i fall in love or when the person i love does not love me back

had the most surreal magnificent incredible dream i ever had and it was so strange i think it takes the cake- nth i am going to dream is ever going to be as great as the one i had before and i know this sounds ridiculous but it felt so real i am sure that it will happen and all i have to do is wait

password is love you for 10,000 years

Where do I start mann so many things have occurred and yet it feels like nth is happening what a strange strange situation to find myself in.

I will try my best to recall:

Sat- went to cover my event for FA1 while Clare helped me and I can barely rmb things so I'm just gonna type whatever that still sticks to me all that I retain is that there were free food and the whole carnival was crazy packed so there wasn't any place left around to sit and eat so ppl SAT AT THE *AL FRESCO* DINING AREA OF STARBUCKS LOL OMG nth to say mann so typical.. and cuz it was super loud with the performances going on the kids who came to study eventually left and Starbucks was pretty much empty HAHAHA so sad
also, bishan residents are hella rude, and coming from someone who has been living in bishan for the past 11 years, you might think that by now I would've gotten used to it but no I refuse to get used to being treated poorly esp the elderly what the frick i am very respectful to everyone around me but some elders are just plain rude!!! they just push and shove and scold and they think they have the right to just because they are seniors no mann hell no you treat everyone with respect whether young or old srsly i will not respect u if you do not respect me

Attended Wallflower's bday exhibition in the evening and a few of my buds attended the event thank u for ur support of my tiny baby steps towards a greater dream. (my post did not get saved so i feel like i've exhausted the topic SINCE ITS NEVER FUN TO REWRITE ABOUT THE SAME THINGS) but anyway there were 2 stanzas from a poem by Joshua Ip that I really liked 'poetry/is a luxury/we cannot afford/ and they say people/can think for themselves?' Googled 'poetry is a luxury we cannot afford' and its quoted from MM LKY in a way i guess that is true but i want all things luxurious. I am very greedy and always discontent when it comes to expanding my capacity to emote and i guess some luxuries are *more luxurious* than others, i will afford it, somehow- beg and steal, lie and cheat i will *pay my debts* kinda cool to see all my buds from different stages of my life congregate HAHA and hanging out very happy actually :))))) its like a glimpse to my wedding LOL except that at weddings the chances of ppl hooking up are higher?? how strange would it be if your friends hooked up at your wedding tho

Sun- had Jack's place for din with my fam, slept the whole afternoon after church

Mon- Thurs: hardcore studying/doing work while parkouring in school, also headbanging to jamie xx and discovering conspiracies EVERYWHERE!!!!!! kaiyan dropped his subway drink in one of the classrooms and WE USED A PAD TO SOAK IT UP OMG #mess the entire week was very eventful how can so many things happen in an entire week mann. also, was late for FA1 submission but turns out we weren't late so that was great

Watched Chungking Express for the second time and it felt shorter and more interesting and I must say my favourite part of the entire film was the ridiculous ultimatums Cop 223 (aka Qiwu aka bby Takeshi Kaneshiro) AND THIS IS MY THIRD TIME TALKING ABOUT THIS FILM!!!! but im just gonna condense my favourite part into a bunch of sentences. The ultimatums Takeshi Kaneshiro comes up with are hella ridic and insane and sad and relatable and he is so delusional i think i am actually him. but sometimes when you come up with such silly ideas it kinda helps you cope with the grief and i loved this part so much because im pretty sure everyone does that too. Takeshi Kaneshiro's (voice mail 'password) is love you for 10,000 years' and why 10,000 years? what happens after 10,000 years then? where does all the love go? and would it matter anyway?