nonplussed

gala night was awesome, the hotel was like
"i exude teh fine scent of banknotes"
yeahs, i can just live in the toilets, heehee
had lotsa lotsa fun. :)

drama night was cool. 201's skit was freaking funny. kinda like smosh. HAHAHAAH

WE WONT SAY OUR GOODBYES
YOU KNOW ITS BETTER THAT WAY.

all we are, all we are.

i dont believe in fate, no matter how hard it messes with my head or no matter how many times it proved itself to me. i shall deny its existence. refuse its doings. time is sliping from my fingers.
i've gotta untangle those chords. chords of an "un-singable" melody. this is just how confused i am.

nonplussed.

ahhhhhhh wasted. all gone to waste

if i continue keeping this inside my head, i'll explode. im not feeling inferior. just needed to get it off my chest.Share
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 10:44am Edit Note Delete

Im sorry if i made mistakes.
Im sorry if i have incredible moodswings and ignore the world. You included.
Im sorry if im feeling blue and tell you half-truths when you ask me if im alright.
Im sorry if i make promises only to break them in the end. And breaking your heart at the sametime.
Im sorry if im not perfect or if i do not meet your expectations.
Im sorry if i dont know how to say the right words to make you feel better. And neither do i know how to say whet i really feel.
Im sorry if you think im weird, doing stuff others dont do, saying stuff that dont make sense. Because sometimes my mind's in a mess and i dont even know what im saying.
Im sorry if i fell asleep in class. Because sometimes, i wished i could forget everything once i entered another dimension.
Im sorry if i failed that test. I really didn't mean to let you down.
Im sorry if i didn't get the results you wanted. I can only say i didnt get what i wanted too.
Im sorry if you dont understand me. Its ok. Only onerepublic can.
Im sorry if i give one word replies and hint that you're not that person i'll tell my secrets to.
Im sorry if i failed to help you. Its not a good feeling seeing you disappointed. I wished i could help myself too.
Im sorry if i cant keep up with life and worry you unknowingly. My fault.
Im sorry if i cant be that strong.
Im sorry if i cried in front of you and refused to listen to anything you said.
Im sorry for everything i've done. Because sometimes, im as confused as you are.
Im sorry if i cant be the best daughter, friend, listener, confider, student, classmate, schoolmate, mentor, mentee, granddaughter, niece, churchmate, junior, senior, violinist, fan, supporter, neighbour, owner, person or whatever. But at least i can say i tried.
Im sorry if i gave up on my dreams. Even i cant forgive myself for that. But dreams, dont mean anything to me now.
My apologies.


i wrote this like a long time ago.

i think i feel better.

BHB BOYBOY. haha i totally spammed his camera!

we're cooler than you :) huijun!

we all look so cute. :3

my plastic smile heehee and kaekae's epic face.

president worrr

sonia, weilin and me

evelyn and meee

colin and me. haha the camera super clear.

denise, me and stef.

so cute hor. :)

invest was really awesome. had tremondous amount of fun and bonding with fellow sls. :) look at all our happy smiling shining faces. stayed in school until 8 plus. was so dark, i wanted to stay over.

today was n2d2 but trust me, i walked teh whole thing, which explains why im in CHOIR. HAHA

5 km is a breeze. wheeeeee~~~

I WANT TO STAY OVERNIGHT OMGZXC. :C

gala dinner, drama night,

WHOOOO. I SHOULD SAVE FOR A DSLR OR SOMETHING.

mixed feelings. well this shows you still care, maybe i should be happy, but.

there's still this tinge of regret shadowing that moment.

yeash, shouldnt think too much.

i need a counselor or something

LOL.

i think kokyuan is right

11:57pm Yuan
?
11:58pmMe
I WAS READING WAD YOU SAID
maybe you're right
that he doesnt take iniative
so i ahve to do this by myself
11:58pm Yuan
good luck
11:58pm Me
its my own fault im afraid
so...
yeahs good luck to me.
11:58pm Yuan
courage.
belief.
hope.
11:59pm Me
yeash okay
nights and thanks :)
11:59pm Yuan
np ^^
anyway
i dont know him at all
so i dont noe much
haha
i go my beauty sleep
bb
11:59pm Me
HAAH BYES
12:15am
Yuan is offline.


toilet incident. shhhhh.
kokyuan is right.
i should learn from guys.
there's this like "unspeakable" rule to...
not be a "hum ji" according to gerald.

so i wont.
hopefully.

i think i have insomia or something, i cant sleep.
im wide awake.

she said i was pretty.
:)
he said of course. :)
i said ahhhhh omg
he said :)
bhb time for kristie

"thanks! love you lots!"
i was like what the. when i saw it.

that guy so bhb. ==

honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now

lets just be frank,
and i'll put things straight,
k
ristie on teh outside: act cute. act shy. daydream. hyper. scream loud. happy girlgirl. likes to do teh :3 face. she looks friendly. and gay.

kristie on teh deeper level: give good advice, emotional. prentends she's okay. quite shy. dreams alot. cannot sleep at night. kinda depressed.

see teh difference?

now.
kristie as herself: basically everything said on teh deeper level. plus, weird. unsure. tired. exhausted. so very exhausted. dreams way too much. a sucker for believing in worst case situations. depressed. so. very. much. depressed.

see the difference?

im so upset, with eveything, why is it that im able to give brilliant advice to others while i cant seem to take them in myself. damnit. damnit. i telll them not to be afraid, just go, take teh freaking initaive, while i freaking DONT. damnit, im always freaking confused, and im never in teh right state of mind to give advice, damnit, and they like it so much. why do i sound so mature when honestly, i havent grown up. damnit. im so tired. just so annoyed. so exhausted by myself.
its so freaking ironic, i get freaking mad when i see ppl who always seem so freaking happy, damnit, why issit that they can be happy. i tell myself "you could be happy too" but the mind doesnt listen, it never does, im so mad, so angry, so confused.

you might have so many ppl falling heads over heels in love with you, but im not like you, im just a girl, i dont wanna be like you. im just a girl.

im just a freaking girl trying to figure out my way outta this freaking teenagehood.

im supposed to feel young now, but honestly, i feel so freaking old.

im succha good liar. they suck my advice up.
i just telll lies.
lies so eay to believe, i surprise myself when im teh only one who doesnt fall for it.
im so tired. emotionally. anxiety breakouts are gone. thats a good sign.

i feel so old and exhausted.

why am i alwasy hiding.
pretending im okay when im freaking not.
im behaving liek the 13 years old me.
damn.
whyh issit that i never learn.

im a coward.
this sucks.

my fone died on me

I'm a good girl loves my mamma
Loves Jesus and America too
I'm a good girl crazy bout Elvis
Loves horses and my boyfriend too yeh yeh...

It's a long day. livin' in Reseda
There's a free way running through the yard
You're a bad boy 'cause you don't even miss me
You're a bad boy for breaking my heart

And I'm free
Free fallin fallin
And I'm free
Free fallin fallin

All the vampires walkin' through the valley
They move west down Ventura Blvd.
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
And the good girls are home with broken hearts.

And I'm free
Free fallin fallin
Now I'm free
Free fallin fallin

Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin now I'm
Free fallin.

I wanna glide down over Mulholland
Wanna write his name in the sky
I wanna free fall out into nothin
Oh I'm gonna leave this this world for a while

Now I'm free
Free fallin fallin
Now I'm free
Free fallin fallin
Then I'm free
Free fallin fallin
Now I'm free
Free fallin fallin
Free fallin fallin
Free fallin fallin
Free fallin fallin...

let just make things clear, im upset, and i dont like chicken, damnit.
im really upset to the point that, its hard to hide it now.
and its not cuz of chicken.
hmm, gerald is right,
im a coward.

I THINK YOU'RE AWESOME. :) WE HAVE GREAT MUSIC TASTE

ahhhhhh omgzxc, i miss you like ahhhhhsdhihgdghdshn

WHY DONT I SEE YOU IN SCHOOL

:(

i am finding out, that maybe i was wrong,

woah, what a week it has been o.o

realisation dawned on me that i should be spending more quality time with my violin, he's feeling kinda bored, :( okay, i shall do so.

i feel like i have bionic teeth haha, they feel kinda funny. like metal hooks poking into the side of my mouth.

radioactivity is burning my lungs. i feel mutant-nic. like xmen. LOL. hopefully i dont have pnuemonia again, :( viral infection huh. maybe i should learn breathing from my ears or eyes.

LOLZXC, IZXC THINKZXC IZXC SHOULDZXC STARTZXC ONZXC MYZXC STORYZXC

im supposed to be happy...?

ivan: hey want go lunch?
me: huh?
ivan: im asking you out!
me: oh!

:)

still makes me smile sometimes

soar-oarrrr-oarrr-oaaaaaaaaarrrr -coughscoughs-

whoo! kaleidoscope is finally over! it was real awesome like fire. somehow a little like bratislava, all the hard work sweat germs have finally paid off.

the finale was spetecular! choir plus band plus gz plus dance, really, if you didn't attend the performance, its your loss! sucker! :)

tosy's present was really touching and sweet. i shal read it until i memorise the whole book.
and the flowers from my parents, aderic, pj, gillian were all so sweet too!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
gold with honours, syf 2011, here we come!

i was not expecting it. at all.

woah, the things that sound too good to be true scares me sometimes. its like i've been waiting furiously for that day to arrive when i know its never gonna happen, not now, not next time, never gonna happen in a million years but suddenly, HEY! it did. right smack into my day when i least expect it and gives me a minor heart attack and then the wimp cant control her thoughts and her mind wanders off to some unkwon planet where her thoughts swim together in some huge giantic ocean that transforms into a whirlpool of emotions.

whirlpool of emotions. i should include this in my story.

damnit, it happens so many times i wonder why i'm not used to it.
maybe it just because my emotions get the better of me and im used to always imagining the worst case scenario in all kinds of situations. call me pessimistic or some sucker or a saddist but at least the disappointment would not be that great.

it sucks really. i wonder if you feel the same way as i do when you see it. but do you even see it? o.o

wonder
wander

their both pronounced the same way. even though they hold different meanings.
but really, they mean the same thing.
have you noticed? or maybe im the only one.

i miss you so much i might start crying.
but crying is unattractive.

so i shan't.

whirpool of emotions~~~

so the first day of kaleidoscope was wth for me. :(
ppl were singing their hearts out while i was stuck at home ;(
but at least i got better. hehheh

random messages flooded my fone.
saw one that made my heart go ARE YOU SERIOUS.
stared at it.
thoughts.
memories.
stared at it.
-flips newspaper.-
stares at it.
-drinks milo.-
stared.
-beep- new message.
replies the new one instead.
-beep- another one. replies the latest one.
stares at message.
finally replies message.
heart still recovering from shock.
-flips newspaper-
stares again.
then puts my fone aside.
no more tears this time.

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY, IT WAS MY TURN TO SHINE :)

kaleidoscope is killing my white blood cells!

I REALLYREALLYREALLY HOPE THAT, I WILL GET BETTER TMR.
NO COUGHING,
NO FEVER.
BUT ENERGY AND ZEST TO LAST ME THE WHOLE DAY.
and all those poor kids out there will get better soon! and soon, i mean, in a few hours time!

something's just not right.
:(