inconsequential irony

Had a crazy week and its only wed! But its good since HELL WEEK IS OVER HELLS YEAH. Finally have time to rest/read/exercise

1)monday

had last s&w lesson, (finally climbed to the top of the 9m wall), locpro written test and I drew a badly constructed polar pattern thingy which heng han smirked at before remarking 'fail, fail alr!' spent the last 30mins before 5pm in a whirl school's printers really suck, spent the evening, (and night) at woodlands before heading home

2)tuesday
was a complete daze

3)wednesday (today)
had our first presentation for webgra which went pretty alright, so glad its over 5eva

Sometimes I think I write well, but most times I feel inconsequential. George shed some light on her life in school and I realised that our superficial society is smth we cannot run from, be it within the elite, or just a regular, it is very apparent and blatant. I wouldn't say elitism is wrong, but things get a little more forced/fake? Reading works, or rather just musings from other ppl around my age impresses and intimidates me. On one hand I admire their effortless way with words, on the other I am jealous I do not possess that quality. It comes and go and oftentimes I doubt my abilities. I wonder if definitions and labels I smack on myself are bad, if I do not identify with my identity, then what am I? Want very much to publish what I wrote recently over here but I'll have to wait till Nov to do so, until then, I will try to churn out more. Does it even require effort? It takes more than time for me to be pleased with what my mind can come up with. I long for fluidity, for flexibility and some sort of style I can call my own. Inconsistent has been my most regarded take away and I am forever chasing inspiration. Right now my thoughts are very scattered, I am glad I am not academically inclined and thrown into such an elite society firstly, studying is woe secondly, I do not care what they think and yet it is extremely hard to be a non-comformist and why do they even try so hard? Found out recently that I am an INFP (far from a perfectionist however) and that George was one too and it makes sense since we're besties I wonder what Gordy is though.
Haven't spoken to Sistaa for about a week, miss him very much, I hope he's not too busy with work.
Also, you are beyond adorable. 

bed

I am so tired I cannot think. My radio is on, so are my lights and the wifi. I'm not even lying properly on my bed and my hair dryer and books and papers are strewn all over it and I haven't brushed my teeth but I really wanna sleep and sink and dream and hopefully my pimple will disappear tmr cuz it bloody hurts and I am so exhausted bed. I can only imagine 

Sad when ppl notice the good side of a result but completely neglect the other end of the spectrum. Honestly how can this be easy for me 

BLOODY HELL I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF WHY DID I START WATCHING AHS AHHHH I AM GOING TO PUKE OH GOD THE NUN FREAKING STABBED HER IN THE NECK WITH A SCISSOR OH GOD THE BLOOD OH MY GOD 90% OF THE TIME WHILE WATCHING IM EITHER 'NOPE NOPE NOPE' OR 'OH GOD' WHILE HIDING BEHIND MY PILLOW YET I CANT STOP WATCHING IT

week in brief

1) mad busy week (have a new toy to play with, learnt how to flick a killer card, was the tallest person in the room for the first time)

2) WHAT IS GOING ON IN AD TIME?!?!

3) cab fare running low

4) single dimple > dimples

5) overall a good week, had so much fun and even though assignments are far from done, things are seemingly looking up

6) gonna start on ahs and teen wolf

Not trying to romanticise 'loneliness' but I have a lonely mind and I like being lonely. My thoughts consume me but I try not to succumb. Honestly speaking, if you let me, I would have held on until forever. I do not give up easily, nor do I lose heart. But now that I am back at square one, I might just revert. 2 years ago I would have never even thought of marriage. I felt that weddings were intimidating, too close for comfort, the only redeeming factor would be the food. And now, I tear up at weddings, I visualise how my toes would feel on the sand, if I would wear a gown, the music to be played.. and I've been evaluating, wondering if I was better at being who I was 2 years ago. I wasn't happy but I was self-sufficient. I was perfectly adequate, I liked having over-ambitious dreams, I liked the turgidity of my mind, I liked being hopelessly in love with a boy with a single dimple, I liked the constant familiarity of my friends and I liked how safe I felt. I took a chance on myself, gave it a shot and now I realise I haven't really changed. My default mode is being lonely, it is what I'm best at. And trust me, I would do anyth, give just about anyth, I'll gladly bear the heartaches and turmoil if I knew where you were now, be it on the other side of the world, or just down the street, or maybe a few years from now, even days. I swear, even if I am good at being alone, an entity, by yourself, I will be whatever you need me to be.

Tom

Welcome to my lyf it's not much but I'll take care of you. I want to feel excited but damn I feel really burdened I'm so afraid I might drop you and then watch you fall apart I don't think I can take that trauma do you get what I'm tryna say like I'm really glad I have you but I'm afraid of actually using you I NEED TO GET OVER THIS MENTAL BARRIER I feel so undeserving mann 

6 things

1) ppl in my family have been dying recently (bluntly put) which is kinda depressing 

2) hell week 2.0 is next week eek 

3) had a super weird dream at one point my eyecandy appeared (does this make me a creep??) 

4) didn't realise that Gary Lightbody had another band called Tired Pony with the guitarist from REM and a bunch of other guys omg and THEY SOUND LIKE SNOW P HAHA but happier and more lively?? They're apparently a super-group so proud of Gary. Googled his height and he's freaking 190?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I bet I'm like up to his knee how do you live with that height mann 

5) I kinda wanna go to Cambodia at the end of the year with the church but things have been so messy I can't seem to get official consent from my folks which sucks cuz I wanna know ASAP and make plans ASAP 

6) don't know how my mum feels about attending 2 funerals within a span of 2 weeks

better days

Had a really good day filming today I love filming so much HAHA SHOULD'VE WENT FSV LA but my camera skills not there la even though I like doing sound with the headphones and boom mike heh Alfonso is so adorable hehe I honestly can't wait for day 2 of filming (maybe even day 3) so thankful for my crew and talents THIS BETTER GET US AN A

I guess maybe it's time I start letting you go 

she's a naughty girl with a bad habit, bad habit for drugs

HELL WEEK IS OVER dont know how i managed but YEZ. Good job guys anyway I went to the Pasar Malam just now and there was this stall selling albums so I went to look and then there was this tiny rack with english albums but they were really old like, The Beatles, Beyonce, JT and Carpenters all that and so I dug around AND I FOUND EYES OPEN BY SNOW P AND I WAS SO HAPPY AND I WANTED TO GET IT IMMEDIATELY, I MEAN ITS LIKE 3.50?! So I bought it and it has chinese all over it. Like the ones in Taiwan and when I got home I was so excited and I played it on my Mac BUT GUESS WHAT IT DIDN'T WORK I AM VERY DEVASTATED AND SAD AND BLUE WHY DO ALL THE THINGS I LOVE DISAPPOINT ME (anyway the cd had like 3 holes punctured in it so imma get an exchange I dont care if it makes me cheap)

Summer Heights High is the best, BEST show ever pls go watch all 8 episodes on youtube its even better than himym okaye and that says a lot

muse

honestly speaking I have never considered myself an artist. Firstly, I don't do art, secondly, I am undeserving of that title and lastly, I don't even know what constitutes an artist. Always felt that was a thin line between being pretentious and being artistic and I do get carried away sometimes and it's so disgusting when I'm being pretentious and shit when it comes to artsy stuff. Be it music, film, literature, photography, theartre. Is poetry considered art? Are words considered art?? Idk mann these are tough questions my brain cannot answer anyway skl0 said smth about youth these days creating art with only the aesthetic appeal which I found was very true. Said that she's sick of seeing so many beautiful art pieces with no story no meaning and ppl look at it and think 'oh this is beautiful' but there's no meaning behind it and I felt that was quite true yknow and like how I write poems with the sole lame pretentious purpose of being haunting or interesting or just to flaunt my handiwork but honestly that's quite stupid cuz I don't write about issues or convey stories am I considered voided??? I don't even try to be relatable and it made me rethink my writing and stuff. But then again are artists overrated? Some are clearly talented la but what about those contemp artists with artworks like a blank canvas and maybe just a line or a dot on it and a long thorough description of the piece, is that still considered art? Maybe. But art w/o talent perhaps? I guess it's easy to create 'art' but to create art with meaning and aesthetic appeal requires more than just 'new age/ modern' perspective. To blend and involve both aspects would be a success I guess? But that's just my take interesting inspiring talk thank you skl0 it would be an honor to work with you one day (a girl can dream) xx 

future soulmate

I don't care if I sound completely cheesy or stupid but if you're out there I can't wait to meet you and I hope you feel the same and that I pray and hope that I will never ever ever have to deal with the pain of losing you even before starting on a new chapter of our lives tgt and I hope you know that I will love you endlessly so pls take care of yourself wherever you are . 

Goodnight moon and goodnight you

dreamt of my teeth falling out for two night in a row the first night i could feel the blood gushing out and actually taste the copper on my tongue I ACTUALLY WENT TO GOOGLE IT AND HERE'S WHAT I FOUND : 

It symbolizes change

Reflects emotional state 

There are tons of other meanings and interpretations but I'm lazy to type them out but just to let you know, none of them are good like eg. signifies a beautiful change or idk financial windfall?? mine are all negative like reflects insecurity or fear of change LOL I need google to find out how I really feel. 

SECOND HIGHLIGHT I DREAMT THAT I TOOK A PHOTO WITH ZOEY DESCHANEL W/O BANGS OMG I saw her w/o bangs once and she looks nth like how she usually looks like it's so weird hahaha seriously brain?!

Got inspired after listening to Jeremy's bass cover of Mr Brightside and this morning I tried the bass line with Brendon and IT SOUNDS GOOD HAHAH but the neck is really wide so it's kinda hard for me to play it but ah damn it sounds really really good PLS PLS PLS LEMME GO TO THEIR CONCERT PLS PLS LET THE UNIVERSE FALL INTO PLACE AND LEMME FIND MYSELF AGAIN wonder if I'll dream of teeth again xx 

am currently watching a mockumentary by Animal Planet about mermaids and idk why I'm doing this to myself I should prolly sleep and stop googling 'do vampires/mermaids exist' 

slide- goo goo dolls

Some things never change, and even after all these years I still suck at fixing ppl and things and I am really really sorry if I could not make you feel better with my hugs and lame words of comfort but I really do care and as cliche as it sounds, if you need to rant or cry or scream, I'm yours.
Finally finished my stupid essay outline omg next week is killer week don't know how I'm gonna survive but that's not the main point. Anyway I typed 2009 songs in YouTube AND I SWEAR ITS SEC 1 ALL OVER AGAIN SO NOSTALGIC AND THOSE ARTISTS LIKE KRISTINIA DEBARGE AND COLBY O' DONNIS DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE HAHAHAH so hilarious like I didn't realise Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You album was that old then I went to search 1999 songs (a decade back) and omg all the pop songs like bsb brit brit and tlc and madonna HOW COME THERE WAS NO J.T?! omg it was amusing looking at all the snippets of the music videos. 75% of the titles were in ghetto slang omg like 'I Like That Thang' HAHAHAHAHA WHAT anyway I typed best alternative rock songs and it just finished playing and all the songs I keep hearing on Power 98 AND I FINALLY FOUND OUT THAT SONG TITLE its by Smashing Pumpkins I swear every single time it plays THEY NEVER INTRODUCE THE SONG NEVER. Anyway I really wanna watch Phantom but no one seems interested :( And The Killers too but its $148?!?!?! I devised a genius plan, since The Killers are coming in Sept and I'll be having my break in Sept I can go get a job and hopefully I'll have enough for them PLS PLS LET IT WORK OUT CANNOT AFFORD TO CRY OVER CONCERTS AGAIN

Why did I even think I could deal with this????? Pretty much feel like dying now this is so lame I am so lame this has gotta stop somehow

I'm always so tired every Monday like during the months leading up to O's I was always half dead from school everyday like after dinner around 8-9pm I would just sleep HAHA like almost every night and sometimes when I was so so so shagged, I would't even do my work and just sleep but I'm glad those days are over even though I do kinda miss it but I'm pretty sure I'll have them again anyhow I'm bloody tired I don't even know why Gordy passed me his gift from UK and its so handy and convenient and relevant I love it very much. Compared eyecandies and Giogi said his was better than mine????????????? dude DUDE. BUt its k, I like mine the way he is hahahaha Yknow what sucks? Dreaming of things you wanna forget my dreams are so realistic I actually feel stuff and after I'm awake these feelings don't go away which is stupid since these are dreams and they don't exist??? Maybe I should write my essay about why dreams are bad for you hmm Tried abseiling today and its damn fun I feel like James Bond HAHA BUT I WAS SUCCHA WUSS AT MY FIRST TIME LOL WHAT IF I FELL AND DIED HUH BUT I TRUST MY FRIENDS WITH MY LIFE WHOLEHEARTEDLY SO THERE. I am really super tired need to recharge k bye

get busy living or get busy dying

Just watched Shawshank Redemption after multiple urges from my friends and damn. Damn. It was so uplifting even though ppl died and prison rape was involved but Andy was such an inspiring person and it reminded me a little of Catch Me If You Can but here's a quote about hope from the movie and it isn't cheesy okaye 'I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.' I find what Red said about being institutionalised very heartbreaking. How the walls of the prison eventually become smth they have to depend on, and when its time for you to leave, you actually want to stay. So ironic I guess that's how prison is a punishment by stripping you of all the choices you were entitled to in life after committing smth terrible, and even if you had the chance to finally break free, it really just imprisons your mind.

cheesy pop/rock bands

HAHA its harsh but yknow those pseudo 'punk rock' bands for tweens?? Like uh whats that, there was a phase where there were alot of them hm The Summer Set are alright but they are border line OH THESE KIDS WEAR CROWNS LOL is BTR a boyband or a cheesy band?? Anyway there are more I need to research brb reece martin? or Forever The Sickest Kids but they have pretty cool songs. UH PARACHUTE and Hedly its like they try too hard to be like ATL or idk, The Script?? Like sometimes you can tell when a band is tailored for radio- catchy chorus, barely minimal heart-pumping lyrics (far from poetic) but everyone loves cheesy pop/rock bands so do I when I need to stop taking myself too seriously they just make me happy
I really wish I owned a DSLR life would be way easier but imma just be contented with what I have and my photojournlism assignment contains 3 selfies LOL I NEED IDEAS FOR ANOTHER ONE HAHAHA OH YES HOT CHELLE RAE do you get what I mean by cheesy pop/rock bands I get goosebumps every single time. To be honest, JoBros are the same genre bUT I REALLY LOVE JOBROS HAHA they were literally my fave esp Nick heh he's the best
Anyway I reallly need my bed now its basically filled with goodness and comfort 5eva I hope my selfies dont give my lecturer nightmares xx

come with me friday dont say maybe

Listening to Glastonbury 2013 on youtube and damn I really wanna attend it one day. Interesting day today idk if im pmsing but I feel like my emotions are a very badly plotted sin/cosine graph, or rather tangent (pls pardon my lame math references) much like the ones i've drawn last year i am going from completely (for lack of better synonym), happy to so weird and wonky and sad I actually feel sick to the stomach idk mann its just this ache that slowly sinks and deepens to your stomach and i cant think

fate

the movie hello stranger is funny and lighthearted but its ultimate bull like meeting a stranger while on holiday and falling in love over the course of a few days IT DOESNT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE DUDE the ppl you meet on vaycay are either couples or ppl who are outta your league pls be realistic anyway the guy who got dumped by hos gf of 8 years falls in love with this girl he met for a few days and then voila the ex comes all the way to korea and he has to choose between the ex and the new girl tough decisions but honestly speaking i would pick the ex i mean 8 years has to amount to smth right? but im not him and i would prolly just choose neither of them
fate doesnt happen lol

Today has been a pretty hard day. Anyway tmr will be better. Most days are unremarkable and maybe I had too many bad remarkable days a change would be nice. Want to leave Singapore so bad. And wahlao what's with the judgmental glances huh lady in the queue I front of me while submitting your package YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE DOUBTING YOU THINK IM SOME LAME TEENAGER WHO WRITES LAME STUFF WELL SURPRISE I DON'T WRITE TAY SWIFT ESQUE POEMS certain fondness of old buildings k I should prolly sleep should never never never sleep at 2 and wake up at 6 again and go to sku after that sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh caricature of misled decisions? More like caricature of I told you so amplified and repeated sigh tmr will be better