you see when school starts i tend to blog more my thoughts are coming out in fragments

1) finished no one belongs here more than you by miranda july. its a collection of prose, short stories which all involve very strange odd fetishes and i was quite uncomfortable but july presents it in a way thats kinda funny and i like her descriptions. like she thinks of the most bizarre feelings, phonemenoms and then she does this incredible thing of stringing them tgt so that we actually get a sense of what she's tryna say and to compartmentalise smth intangible is one of the toughest things to do. ever. one sentence i really liked was 'i was patience defined, patience misspelled, patience sounded out slowly, letter by letter, with the 't' pronounced 'shh'.' just look at that you have no idea what she's talking about but you get it. from the same short story, another sentence, 'i was actually writhing in heartache, as if i were a single muscle whose purpose was to mourn'. BAM but anyway i wasn't very fond of her stories and my conclusion was: there is a very fine line between poetic genius and pure unadulterated bullshit.

2) been binge watching so much of the office I'm starting to live life like I'm in a mockumentary ikr i am borderline psychotic and 100% delusional but honestly the things that have transpired in my life ARE WORTH MAKING INTO A SITCOM not the kind with crude sexual innuendos but the kind when the main character's life is just a joke. anyway i really like pam and jim's storyline hmm and mockumentaries are my favourite kinds of shows cuz its supposed to be a documentary which means everyth is 'non-fiction' which means its possible for these things to happen in real life and these shows are actually the best which means my life has a chance of being as great and it comforts me hahaha go and watch Summer Heights High you will never be happy again cuz whatever shows you watch will NEVER MEASURE UP TO THIS INCREDIBLE CINEMATOGRAPHY FEAT and also Ja'mie Private School Girl haha i love Chris Liley so much

3) and if you are reading this i just wanna say that there are so many possibilities that could happen to us right now. and education may seem so minute, so insignificant compared to exploring or travelling or feeling alive and sometimes i get scared too, at how fickle my heart is, how i say i love one thing and the next moment it doesn't bring me any joy and i thought about it many times how we're gonna be adults and i still haven't found what I'm looking for or just feeling inconsequential in general and i don't think it gets better from here. i think it gets worst. i think its just going to be downhill from here. that my life is nth more than a routine. an obligation. but as cheesy as it sounds, it really isn't. and even though i hardly feel like I'm living (merely existing) i know there are still so many things out there waiting for me to conquer, yes of course there is the fear of not measuring up to your own expectations but i think this is just life. and it gets hard and its ok to cry (i cry a lot in public when I'm alone) its ok to be a loser its ok to feel lost cuz one year ago i said i was very sure this was what i wanted and now all i want is to leave i can't even trust myself and there is nth more frustrating than that (other than taking a passport photo) but i just wanna tell you that I've got your back (and i know you alr know this) if you need to take a break its ok, there is no rush. you have all the time in the world. let us not neglect feeling alive while we survive the trials and tribulations of teenage hood (pretty sure adulthood will suck 10000x more) but I've got you and its ton be rough but its gonna be ok.