ok wow i've never met anyone who does that too ahh everyday i gain new reasons and how in the world am i supposed to go about doing this??? frustrates me so pls i need some divine intervention

AHHH i suck went to run some adult errands and after walking back and forth to all the banks around  NONE OF THEM WORKED and while i was going back i was caught in the rain and i was soaked and when i got home the rain stopped and i think this accurately describes my life in brief :'(

AHHHH ONLINE SHOPPING IS SO HECTIC WHAT THE AND PHOTOSHOP IS HANGING I AM SO MAD AND STRESSED I DIDNT EVEN COMPLETE ANY WORK TODAY AHHHHH

romcom rant

what the frick the world is spinning off its axis nth makes sense anymore i am so angry why must you always insist you are right when you are blatantly wrong?!?!?!?! and you know it?!?!? i am so tired of this bull.

in other news i am certain my life is no romcom or drama or whatevs but a sitcom like the amount of embarrassing/hilarious/pathetic things that happen to me in a day are off the charts (but i am just swooning at the storyline of this show i am currently watching like wow things like meeting a hot/rich/cute guy in a foreign land and have him fall in love with you sparking off a chain of overly cutesy (cue the unexpected hugs/gestures) chain of events, DO NOT HAPPEN???????????????????? like why can't anyone (yours truly included) ever understand this concept????? STOP BRAINWASHING POOR KIDS TO THINK THAT THEIR LIVES ARE A ROMCOM sitcom, more like but NOPE. NOT A ROM COM.

all i want in life

while i was scrolling through pages and pages of sales items on asos (don't act like you don't do that) 'have yourself a merry little christmas' was playing on the radio and i didn't notice that Chris freaking Martin aka my baby aka one and only antirockstar who is actually the raddest rockstar, sang it until the DJ mentioned it and i felt so ashamed. anyway i went to youtube it and while i was listening to it i kinda realised that ultimately, what i really really am looking forward/want in life is to spend christmas with sheets of snow (instead of this torrential heat) with fam and buds and maybe, just maybe (if i am lucky) with future soulmate wherever you are. mock me all you want but as cheesy or lame this sounds i cannot imagine living without this experience like how in the world can it feel like christmas without snow? maybe I've been brought up on too much media poison, force fed and all but i don't think i can ever feel complete without spending christmas with snow like i don't need gifts on christmas, just give me snow and it'll prolly be the best christmas ever.

(sidenote i hope you know you are a great person cuz you really are and hopefully the universe will fall into place)

!!!

hard to convey in words, (i can try) how i feel (exclamatory points) when punctuation becomes an emotion,  i doubt my ability to function normally, but really, no one is ever 'normal'. 

how do I do this w/o coming off as creepy??? (I prolly am) 

quietus

1) One of my favourite things to do is to go to supermarkets esp on the weekends and get as much free samples as possible HAHA judge me not but wow when there's free food you don't question it you just accept it and be grateful LOL

2) anyway Kok is in Korea now I really miss him :'( for reasons unknown I alway miss ppl more when they're miles away oceans apart when our timezones do not match :'( and LRR is leaving soon :'( I can't wait until I leave this place my bones are aching for liberation

3) today LRR showed me this guy's poems and works which he wrote when he was 17 and i want to cut off his hands and attach them to mine and do some AHS shiz so that I NOW HAVE HIS HANDS AND I CAN CRAFT POETRY THAT SENDS SHIVERS DOWN MY OWN SPINE DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT I AM SO ENVIOUS WHAT THE WHAT THE HELL HOW CAN ANYONE WRITE THAT BRILLIANTLY I AM SO UPSET cause of death: poetry that makes me feel like a lesser being  i am so frustrated >:( but good for him you totally deserve it.

4) Submission week is over!!!!! but there's even more work waiting for me to complete x_x how is this sem considered lepak?? i do not understand and i fail to see how this sem is enjoyable. I'm just waiting for week 9/10 to arrive and at least i can have a breather i can now fully appreciate christmas. I'm always so hyped up about christmas but i really want snow LIKE I DONT NEED ANY GIFTS OR WHATEVS I JUST WANT SNOW OK THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

5) sigh i wonder if i'll ever get to where i was supposed to be all these feelings are so unnecessary. 

feels like my mind is  unravelling

Drowning in air. That's what's going on honestly I can feel my life coming to a halt where's the supposed bounce once you hit rock bottom? Maybe I'm not there yet but instead of waiting I should prolly do smth about it but I see no reason to it's not even chaos in my mind but just pure pure dread. Dread of what? I don't even know

really have no self control. why do i have to do things to myself things akin to having my heart ripped out and then i can't breathe and i feel so sick to my stomach and i just want to puke this whole weave words out of misery crap is not working i can hardly think my thoughts emerge as fragments i can only linger on single words and i feel like i cannot function anymore

I should be in UK now 

dynamics of a heart

Fiddle and toss

Neglect and enamel 

It's not a toy nor a source of affirmation

Tick and tick and tick

When words spew they form safety nets 

Threads that throttle and bind until it cannot pump it cannot think it cannot function

And your job here is completed 

premature quarter life crisis

been feeling so inconsequential and pointless ever since school started i think i might be experiencing above said title and i feel so ridiculous cuz i. am. not. pushing. myself. and it irks me so that my lack of ambition is slowly taking over my thoughts and forming distaste towards school and life in general, more specifically, life in sg. i am so mad at myself for creating such a huge distinction between passion and ambition how i use passion as an excuse for not pushing myself stretching or whatevs and i am so disgusted with myself, my laziness and my pathetic excuses how can i say i hate school when i am actually doing smth i like??? well it is not smth i love or adore or smth i live for but ahh! this is what i wanted and now i just want to back out??? kris get your shit tgt and get back into your groove would i categorise my intense dislike for school as a 'premature quarter life crisis'? well maybe not but other than that, lately I've been feeling so so hollow and minuscule like while i am doing 'things' in school, other 17 year olds are running photography art blogs or winning olympic medals and here i am with all my self will and heart, just a tiny speck how do i feel important? at least i am addressing this issue with myself ok good job kris ice just gotta suck it up and find joy even in the most mundane tasks cuz THATS WHAT YOU WANTED BITCH AND NOW YOU GOT IT many days i feel like my life is spiralling out of control that its all going downhill from here and even now when I've got so much going on in my life right now, I'm not feeling any of it and it kinda scares me, my nonchalance, because to not feel will be losing the very essence of being alive and to simply exist is not what i was put on earth for. i want to leave. so badly. to leave and not come back till I'm full again. full and pregnant with the world, i could do that. i could pack my bags and walk. the only thing keeping me from doing that are the last remaining shreds of practicality and sense i retain. i think i still have things left in sg waiting for me to complete before i can really really turn and run or whatev like maybe my soulmate is waiting for me here (lol) but there must be a reason and i should probably stop romanticising every situation (i.e. the soulmate waiting) but ok this is just a phase i will get out of this (hopefully)

D+

worst fear swept over me like a wave, choking/strangling, chortling at my eventual demise and even now i am cringing at my lame analogy what if this is my downfall? and i haven't even started oh god. received my essay from last sem, the one with the most weightage and i got a grade that resembles a cross on a stump if you flip it 90 degrees to the right (tombstone??? maybe) i am so ashamed of myself the only self-consolation is that he thinks i write well???? and likes my style??? ah frick you citations :'( what is pretty amazing is that my overall grade is a B+ holy crap thank God I need to frame this piece of atrocious measurement of self worth to remind myself that i am never going to shortchange myself ever again

sigh thought only these rifts happened in sitcoms but alas it is a reality i cannot delude myself from. perhaps only time is the ultimate healer. read this somewhere 'time is no healer. the patient is no longer here.' what if time doesn't put an end to all this vague mouldable soft mess but instead isolates and distances it? sigh my life is imitating bad tv help hoping with all my fickle heart that this grand master plan i am conceiving will be enough to let all grievances fade.

see if i had a dog he/she would probably lick my face and i'll feel 500x better but my imagination can only take me this far one day i might just flip and capture a dog home and no one can do anyth about it meh

a series of unfortunate 'what to hecks'

funny how a little teensy secret/fact can overthrow whatever impression/perception of a person even if you thought no one knows you better than him/her WHAT THE THERE IS A LINE. A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SWEET AND CREEPY. DONT BE THE GUY THAT STRADDLES CARELESSLY ACROSS IT WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT TO HECK very creeped out now i just need some time to process this but when smth as huge as this happens don't expect me to take it well :///////////////////

feeling so sick literally and metaphorically btw i am now in sports (i can hear all the collective gasps) yes I am now in sports yes my limbs are capable of movement that requires strength/agility/coordination yes i still can't dance but thats beside the point PAST KRISTIE WILL PROLLY SCORN AND BE ALL SNIDE BUT PRESENT KRISTIE IS PUMPED UP arms are aching tho but i love it when it does

btw guess which sport I'm in hahaha

seeing you happy makes me happy too 

tangle and unravel

1) i am still very mad at stupid 1R what to freak I was in freaking hard rock last week at this time frick you can you please come back and take me away from school sigh am I even trying hard enough to push myself for school??? Like honestly I have no excuses la haha if i were in jc i won't even try justifying my whiny complains but here I am alive!!! And I still feel so black. Black is not a colour, it is an emotion. I used to feel blue but now i just feel black. I just want to wear black for the rest of my life. but haha get real need to appreciate what i have (some semblance of a 'life') and at least Im not mindlessly force feeding my brain info. Interesting fact of the day: Miki mentioned that all our vaycays add up to a year so technically we're doing 2 years spread across 3 years WOW i did not realise that

2) sometimes you look at this person and you realise how similar you two are and you're just full of exclamatory points (!!!) this is a very vague and horrid description but this is whats going on in my head, full blown bolded exclamatory points (funny how my thoughts are dehumanised (???) into symbols, or rather punctuation) and I'm just thinking if 'person' realises this too cuz i don't want to come across as too overbearing or clingy or whatever but wow I REALLY WANNA BE ASSOCIATED WITH 'PERSON' ugh how do i 'life'? how do i level up? I imagine myself as a video game character who's reached a pretty high level and then plummeting down to the negative depths and now I have to redo everyth to get back to where i was at least i am not restarting hahaha pls i want to level up tho

here's a selfie (you can see my laptop screen reflected in the shades)

and if i only die once, i wanna die with you

planning a grand adventure with RR 50% of me wants an intricate itinerary the other half of me just wants a road trip HAHA anyway came up with an observation: Tom is a hot name like every single tom i know is hot. (except for tom hanks) examples: TOM BBY ODELL, Tom Hiddleston, Tom Hardy, TOM FELTON, Tom Daley, Tom Ford, Tom Cruise (kinda???) and even fictional characters ok Tom Hansen from (500) and Tom Riddle Marvolo and Tom Hanson from 21 Jump Street what the guess who's gonna be named Tom?????
Anyhoo nth interesting has happened to me (other than friday/thursday) recently and I've just been a pool of icky muddy sadness stupid 1R I'm still so mad at them what the hell seriously i keep flinching whenever they tweet stuff

Pcd

I am so angry and upset and just filled with dread whenever I see 1R updates/news online like how can you make me so happy then MAKE ME SO SAD AND LEAVE ME YOU DIDNT EVEN STAY FOR A DAY AND YOU FREAKING TOURED BKK FOR THREE DAYS?!?! FRICK YOU AND NOW YOURE IN CHINA UGH UGH UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU AND BRING ME AWAY SO I CAN QUIT SCHOOL stupid babies I miss yall so :((((