unexist

what is the act of reverse existing? unexist? probably not. it is 10.27pm and i feel like nothing ever occurs to me. i don't mean my 'injury' or 'events'. i mean 'things' so earth-shatteringly frightful i have to catch myself at the most random of times and steady myself back to reality. they do not necessarily have to be negative. you see i am merely existing. am i feeling anything? I would hardly call them genuine. all i ever feel is secondhand heartache, regret, missed chances. all i ever cry about is not mine. they are never mine. i hardly ever cry for myself anymore. a few weeks back i wished to not exist-  i think i meant i wanted to vanish. but in retrospect, maybe i meant i that i wanted the opposite of existing. imagine 3 levels, or a line with 'disappear' and 'feeling' as end points, existing would be sitting idle in the middle. i am 18 and i am not feeling anything. i think the worst has happened to me. people around me are learning the curves and constellations on the backs of their lovers, people around me are understanding that the Universe gives some and takes some, most of the time it snatches, tosses unbalanced into our hands and expects us to adapt. Honestly right now, I do not even have the privilege to experience that. I rather feel like i am going to die than to not feel anything at all. I am 18 and I am listening to Jake Bugg and I wished I was not where I am now. I am 18 and I want to bleed. I want to feel. I do not want to exist anymore. I am 18 and by now I  know that being nowhere never does me any good.

be careful what you wish for

everything has happened- when my lyf chooses to be eventful, all events convene at the same moment.
anyway-
 spent the weekend with ppl i have not seen in awhile, found myself a little, feels a little like home.
speaking of home, i am missing an entire week of school after hurting my tailbone in the most ridiculous manner ever. i hardly ever do sports, and yet i get almost *serious* injuries hahaha imagine if i were to actually do a sport, i would be endangering my own lyf.

plenty has occurred: strange encounters on the bus leaving me wondering if i am too dumb or if i take pity on too many ppl or maybe i just need to look less easy to mess around with. will never leave the house w/o lipstick anymore. had the nicest surprise and for some reason i know it'll happen again, there is no expiry date or deadline to meet. scolded a bunch of boys at kfc, times like this i am certain i will never have kids. also wished i used more spiteful words. hurt my tailbone and i am missing an entire week of school. now i have all the time in the world to sleep and not exist but i am also fast becoming bored. i have 2 magazines to read, 3 pdf books i've downloaded, the bunch of books leftover from the previous holiday and also Portlandia and OITNB to finish. i guess life is not all that bad except that i have issues standing up and sitting down. the first day was insane i could literally feel my bones shifting and cracking, went to get x-rayed the next day and surprise i am preggers!!!!!! hahahaha jk no i am not pregnant with unfulfilled dreams and regrets maybe (LOL JK) but anyway i am much better now, i have been spending the whole day in bed and then skyping to class, technology has come so far, presently i feel like puking i think it must be the meds.

currently reading Murakmi, Richard Siken and Iain Thomas and idk how my heart is going to make room for these 3 esp with 3 differing styles and hopefully i'd find the courage to bleed again. i miss LRR and gordon and giogi.

“And their shape and their hair and their eyes and their smell and their voice. That suddenly, these things can exist and you’re not quite sure how they existed without you knowing about them before.”

pent up rage and anger will slowly kill me

find myself in all sorts of situations over the past 2 days. i think im pretty adept when it comes to handling r/s between ppl, friendships esp. alas i am still learning the parameters of friendship, i am learning my rights. not going to deny that it makes me so upset that you could just leave as quietly as you came but not every issue has to be about me, not everything has to be about how I feel, not everyth matters on MY response- even if it means i am on the losing end. i have been feeling everything and nothing. you told me once that running away was actually your defence mechanism, selfish as it is, i cant believe you are actually running away from me this time. at the same time i want to hug you until all the leaks are sealed, all the ache has doused i want to fulfil my duty as a friend yet you are not giving me a chance to. i have every right to be resentful, but what can i do? hop on a plane this instance, throw my accusations at your doorstep? so that they cut your feet? turn this around, recycle my petty rage and inflict it on you? i would love to do that but what is the point anyway? you are not where i am at and i am starting to realise that this is not about me. you need your time, this is how you choose to deal with yourself and i respect that and i will be waiting. i think i am too involved with the matters of my friends' hearts. hard to not even know whatever that is going through your head but i want to believe that you know what you are doing. not even sure when i will see you again. 

ytd i learnt that there are some ppl you'll always find your way back to no matter how long you've been apart.

and every day i wish i was someplace else. it does not matter if i am alone, i like being alone. 

so here I lay, I have nothing to feel upset about, neither have I got anything to smile about. here I am adequate and enough, feeling just about enough (enough is never enough, by now I've figured) want to feel the metallic bite of ache straddle my veins, feel it's teeth graze against my bones- yet I have nth to feel for.

want my heart to undo, self mutilate and self destruct malfunction but for what purpose?

lately i haven't felt anyth, no apparent sadness or joy (there are some things that cause minor upsets but nth huge enough to really wreck me) it is not that I crave sadness or romanticize it or whatever fancy terms you use to adorn and glorify sadness but not feeling anyth is slowly becoming a routine, habitual even and I do not want to accept monotony. 

Lord give me a chance to find out how much salt my tears are choking on 

at this point in time, i am certain i am destined to be the subject of the Universe's cruel cruel torment. you must be having fun watching me writhing and wishing.

its a terrible love and im walking with spiders

dad brought me to USS to catch ARGBEL last night at the amphitheatre. was a pretty great night im getting used to applying 'don't think just do' to almost every situation in lyf. i.e hoping onto rides w/o actually knowing what terrors are coming my way 

was seated beside this guy, (attempted to have small talk, promptly turned down and denied) so i held my tongue throughout the entire ride (wanted to scream but at the same time didnt wanna look like a pussy) SO I HELD IT IN DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS NOT TO SCREAM!!!! (thats what she said ahahahahahahha) was an exciting match, recently my predictions are becoming more accurate, reached home about 3 and i am currently trying to peer pressure shaun to watch the finals with me i will soon succeed im sure. 

also today was going pretty well until the universe had to destroy me in the most frustrating ~*tears of grief and anguish*~ manner ever i want to die i really want to die my lyf is a joke. i am actually a joke. what the frICK what is the universe trying to tell me??!??! are you taunting me?!?!??!/1 i am alr a loser and i have nth SO WHAT THE FRICK i am learning to NOT conjure up meanings and attach them to coincidences/mere occurrences, but this is ridiculous, i am ridiculous and i want to die.