'maybe its destiny'

I rmb the first time I watched HIMYM was on the plane to Frankfurt when I was 13 and since then it has incorporated itself into almost every aspect of my life and I was always dying to find out who the Mother was but the finale was.... so horrid in my opinion. The only true love story here is Lily's and Marshall's I feel like the last season has been really bad but thats besides the point. The point was that we spent 9 years watching Ted so earnest on his quest for love and the fact that he ended up with Robin in the end DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!!! Maybe its only fair that when the Mother died he should have another shot at love again.. and who else but Robin, the one that he still loves? Maybe the Mother is his soulmate but Robin is just the girl he will always love but THEY WRECKED THE WHOLE SHOW OK WITH A STUPID 40 MIN ENDING

1) Barney Stinson.
I was so happy and excited for him when he met Nora in S6. I thought that finally he was emoting like a normal human being, and being serious for a girl he 'cannot stop smiling at when he mentions her name' and when he cheated on her with Robin, here we go again,  but you see ever since then he has slowly evolved into a man capable of going the distance, all that elaborate plan and promises to Robin and destroying the Playbook and how genuine he was when he said he loved Robin,
'I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.'
THEY BUILT HIM UP FROM A MAN WHO REJECTS LOVE OUT OF HIS SYSTEM TO ONE WHO REEKS OF IT AND THEN TORE HIM APART COMPLETELY BY INTRODUCING HIS PLAYBOOK 2 AND HAVING HIM TO CONTINUE WITH HIS LAME ACT OF PICKING UP GIRLS I HIS 40s?!?!??!? THAT IS JUST SAD AND PATHETIC AND NOT AN ENDING BARNEY DESERVED. HE HAD LOVED ROBIN SINCE S4 AND EVEN WHEN HE THOUGT HE DID NOT THE FEELINGS RESURFACED THE ENDING IS JUST RIDICULOUS I HATE THIS SHOW 

2) Ted Mosby. 
HIMYM taught me how to believe in magic. That miracles do happen, and sometimes maybe even fate and destiny does exist. And how lucky I am to have a bunch of best mates I know I can count on for life. And his timeless quest through so many previous girls, Victoria, Robin, Stella, Zoe etc and all the subtle hints and clues of his future soulmate, after so long you just want him to meet her asap and we see him getting beat up and burnt out from trying so hard every time and being left with nth time after time and i certainly believed he wanted to get over Robin, thus the 'closure' episode with the long talk on the beach BUT GOING BACK TO ROBIN THE SAME WOMAN HE HAS GONE BACK FOR A MILLION TIMES BEFORE, THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM SHE DIDN'T LOVE HIM AND THAT SHE LOVED BARNEY IS NOT SMTH TEDDY WESTSIDE WOULD DO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THE SHOW ANYWAY STUPID ENDING yeah sure, life is unexpected and sometimes, the love of your life may die early or you might lose her/him and going back to Robin may seem like a sensible thing to do but in the first place, Robin and Barney should've never gotten a divorce, and Ted would not shortchange himself by going back to Robin!!!!! How in the world is the 'gang' going to work with Ted and Robin dating again?!?!? At this point it is just downright strange how would Barney feel?!?!?!??!

I am just going to pretend S7-9 did not happen. I will only rmb the show in its early stages. GOODBYE YOU BROKE MY HEART

self-induced intervention

this has been a very long week. long as in, i've come to realise many things i was previously unaware of, and long as in i am finding it harder and harder to be more coherent in translating thoughts into words and even though the week has been very enriching and fulfilling, for once i am finding myself stuck and not detached like i always am. i am not willing though. more than ever it is a 'want' i have nursed since young but right now i am starting to come to terms with the fact that i cannot keep turning to escapism and that escapism might actually be the hell that i'm stumbling towards and this is a very pointless post, to sum up: i am a very unrealistic person, i need smth interesting to happen in my life right now and i need to stop worrying about my future (LOL) (ok sidenote idk if this is starting to morph into a problem is this a problem????)

'It’s made me want to find a hole in the world in the shape of me and just fill it up'

Girls just ended its run and I must say character development for Adam's character has been staggering and stunning. The Adam of S1 was almost carnal, unambitious, dirty and just very scruffy too but the Adam of S3 is taking shape, its like he's actually morphing into a 'good' person. And I find Hannah and Adam very compatible, they're both very strange and in some way Hannah's default personality of being self-absorbed and attention seeking complements Adam's newfound drive and selflessness but in a way it seems like Adam is outgrowing Hannah and its very frustrating to watch Marnie and Hannah onscreen Marnie is the worst its as if she cannot function properly ever since Charlie dumped her. In some ways I guess I can kinda/sorta relate to Hannah i.e. she wants to a writer, so do i, and i also find it ironic that she lacks the capacity to emote for things that do not revolve around her yet is so needy for emotional validation and affection and pretty much just attention. I on the other hand, think that im actually emotionally impaired (which is very insulting if it were to come from other ppl) but not in the sense that I don't showcase my emotions, (in fact i tend to be very emotional) but when it comes to connecting on a 'deep/intimate/personal level' with a person, i am unable to just express my feelings and its frustrating for me, because i know that its frustrating for the other person yet i do not find a need to express my emotions and everyth just goes downhill from there. I wished I've seen more of Sosh and Jessa this season though, their storylines were just not properly dealt with ah well I still feel depressed watching Girls but at the same time I am thankful I am not one of the characters #mess

of course I do

Woke up to news of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow splitting and omg I had a feeling this would happen ever since they attended an event and they weren't even talking to each other and Magic was so sad it felt like Chris was singing it to Gwyneth and after listening to Magic again I couldn't help but tear up... The past albums had so few love songs and Ghost Stories just seems to be about heartbreak ahh poor Chris this must be so devastating for him :'( how is he going to perform The Scientist w/o thinking of Gwyneth and Guy is getting married and he's bound to be reminded of Gwyneth and so many other songs are for her i.e. Green Eyes, Fix You, In My Place ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't think he'll ever recover from this 

adventure time

I keep reminding myself to blog but I keep forgetting to. sorry loyal readers aka myself and my mum (lol jk my mum doesn't even read my blog) anyway I will just list out things I recall:

1) UH I THINK CATS LOATHE ME OR SMTH like are they able to sense a dog person cuz I'm pretty sure they can and only kittens can't cuz they're underdeveloped (no offense to kittens lol) but AFTER COUNTLESS OF ENCOUNTERS WITH THESE FELINES im 100% certain they are equipped with this primal instinct and i'm very disappointed plus annoyed plus upset cuz what the hell??? all i did was scratch your neck and behind your ears AND YOU ATTACK ME?!?!?!? FRICK U!!! stupid cats dogs are the best i will never trust a cat again (other than kittens because they are still pure and not contaminated by the other cats)

2) kenneth's new condo is crazy huge its almost like a resort but very ridiculous la you have to pay to use the facilities then what's the point??? his apartment is really tiny though but then again most condos are shrinking so kinda expected but there must be some sorta guideline to abide to right like if you're living in a swanky new condo with resort-worthy facilities, i would assume that you're pretty rich and if you're pretty rich you might have more uh, stuff to keep in your house right and 1/4 of a classroom is defo not big enough for your 46-inch LCDs and surround sound systems and divans right and since most of the 'inhabitants' are young families your kids will prolly have super cool toys aka toy cars, (not the kind you can fit within your palm) but the kind YOU can fit in and where are you going to fit their toys it doesn't make sense right

3) finally went to the River Safari and uh ok la i thought it was alright, nth extremely special (but the layout was A+) here's the thing, its not that i don't like nature, i like nature, esp like trees and very rustic, abandoned settings but like places of attraction like Gardens or the Zoo or the Aquarium aren't really my kinda thing like ya ok quite interesting but uh wouldn't want to return within the next 5 years. ANYHOO Tim was being so rude to the fishes tsk he kept commenting and dissing their appearances TERRIBLE 'ew why that fish so ugly' 'look at its mouth so scary' 'disgusting' i worry for his future kids aka my nieces/nephews

4) today i reunited this small kid with his mum and idk whats wrong with me i think i watched too much coven but i suddenly had this very ominous thought that the kid was..... uh i dont wanna say it here but i gave myself chills lol but anyway i couldnt understand what he was saying LOL like i think he didnt even know he was lost?!?!? but in the end i said 'do you want to go home' and he was like 'no la' UH ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC WITH ME but i doubt so la, he was like 4 (but then again he might, who knows) but actually he was quite cute anyway i followed him i a bid to 'bring him home'  and he ran towards this dog LOL and we found his mum(s)? :))) very happy to reunite a family (second time this has happened to me IS THIS A SIGN THAT I'LL BE A GOOD MUM CONTRARY TO MY OWN BELIEFS THAT I'LL BE A VERY WEIRD MUM LOL)

5) went to SPCA the other day and they have cages where they keep the dogs and you can actually enter the cages to play with the dogs and there was this mongrel that was 4 months and he kept sniffing at my fingers so i decided to go in AND HE STARTED PLAYING WITH MY SHOELACES BY BITING AT THEM AND HE WAS BIT MY ANKLES WHILE I WAS TRAPPED IN THE CAGE ALONE WITH HIM #loser and i had to ask for help (ask isn't even the proper word to describe my plight ok more like begged and beseeched hysterically) and i was finally saved by a sweet caucasian lady which then became the next play toy for said dog and i feel bad for not helping her or rather lacking the capacity to save her I HAVE FAILED LORD FORGIVE ME

6) for some reason i've been dreaming of *person i fancy* at least once every night which makes me very happy and sad at the same time because 1) i think my plan of getting rid of all my fancy is somehow succeeding and dreaming of said person is CREEPY and fuelling my fancy even more??? this is not ideal 2) but lol who wouldnt be happy seeing the person they fancy in their dreams
Which brings me to the question that never really fades, sitting comfortably within the recesses of my mind 'what exactly are dreams and how do you determine the content of dreams?' like my dreams are SO absurd sometimes even i scare myself (and how strange my mind is and how creepy i actually am)

7) so busy with orientation prep MIKI ALMOST LIT ME ON FIRE IM NOT EVEN KIDDING DONT U DARE MAKE GIRL ON FIRE JOKES I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER then she proceeded to redeem herself by talking to me through a stuffed dog lol i have very strange friends hahahaah but ah my prog team?? more like sweg comm very fun leh i love them so much always have fun times with them :)))

8) editing this vid for church and bless me Lord i need to learn After Effects in one night this is do or die go big or go home (im just throwing in overused cliche motivational supposed 'choices' that make you look bad when you choose to do the easier way out) lol ok thats all folks hope you enjoyed a brief update on my lyf no im not dead just busy and tired and maybe a tad lazy too ok bye time to get my hands dirty while editing

p.s i love editing so much its so fun

one day this body will break

finally MH370 has been found, in the middle of the Indian Ocean and idk mann, I always felt that these tragedies only occurred in movies or tv shows ie. LOST but alas, i keep forgetting that sometimes life can be even more dramatic than art and i am trying to imagine if i were on that very plane, like for some strange twist of fate i was supposed to be flying to Beijing alone and I'd be so excited to travel and what if suddenly the plane starts malfunctioning and crashes into the sea or worst, what if its a prolonged drop to the bottom and i'm just sitting there waiting to die waiting to feel pain (would i feel anyth?) waiting for darkness or flames or combustion or water or salt? i always dream of dying. not death specifically but its always about dying. just last night i dreamt that the world was ending and ppl were running around, trying to escape and even in my dream i was capable of conceiving thoughts like 'why am i still hoping for some sort of miracle to happen when this world is ending and death is imminent' and just a few nights ago i dreamt that this lady was sending her henchmen/hitmen after me and a few of my family members (we managed to gun her down but she didn't die and we got rounded up in the end after a few days and were captured and were supposed to die lol) and even though its just a dream you don't realise it when you're dreaming and the fear is very real and when you jolt awake you're like 'woah thank God it was a dream' but for all these passengers aboard the MH370 it is a realisation that they are going to die and they're not even dying, they're alive and maybe the adrenaline makes them feel 100x more alive and idk whats worst, recognising how full of life you are right before you die or the process of dying. can only pray for the family and friends of everyone on the plane

swimming

it is child's play,
water transients into cadences, rhythms,
pulses you find prosaic
4/4 you hover,
2/2 you flounder
largamente mosso
it is a composition that affords no  (s),  or fermatas
only strokes that cover distance, strokes that draw a note out

heichou

very eventful week why is the week passing so slowly anyway i will just summarise:

1) my shopping stamina is depleting rapidly not even kidding i am ashamed come to think of it, how did i manage that undying thirst in Taiwan? I was never tired plus I even came up with strategies on how to shop and planning my routes im not even kidding. That time in the factory outlet in Gold Coast we had a map and I literally spent my lunch marking out the targets plus routes to maximise my shopping trip I was a professional ok but now after 3 shops I am exhausted :( but then again I spend alot of time in a shop and maybe im just getting old :( end of an era rip professional shopper kris

2) very excited for FBC!!!!!!!

3) I missed Cairo so much I finally met up with her and we have such a lovely time being touristy and dressing Japanese which I completely butchered LOL SO IRONIC but then again not like I ever had much Jap influence. Told her that nowadays my greatest fear is what my future holds and 1) will I get a job I really love or will I loathe it or what if my dream job turns out to be smth I detest? 2) will I ever meet my soulmate LOL (dont mock me ok I think about this alot esp since himym is ending and i dont wanna be like ted i dont wanna die alone) 3) will i ever accomplish anyth in 10 years 4) will i ever migrate to taiwan 5) when will i feel like an adult
honestly ever since last Nov I keep having such thoughts and I am honestly petrified, I for one am not the kind to think long term or think about the future, I always told myself that things will work out one way or another, there's really no point worrying and most of my decisions aka life changing ones are fueled 78% by emotions plus my impulsivity (I am a very impulsive person) and so to actually worry about my future, wow I guess its payback time from past kristie, everyday I cant help but feel like I am going to puke just thinking about my future. 'keeping my options open' is such a euphemism, actually, more of an excuse for not grabbing your own future in by the ears and yanking them (not off) but in the direction where you wanna go but ah, I am not young anymore its time to GET MY SHIT TGT but Cairo said she hardly feels like an adult too. Plus she has only one year left BUT PLS she is way more independent than I am or than I ever was when I was 16, I mean like I can't even cook simple dishes i am a domestic failure JIALAT BETTER FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH POTS AND PANS but gosh I am so happy to meet that beautiful lady I missed her so much <3 nbsp="" p="">
4) had a horrifying thought and had an internal mental breakdown halfway through an Open House talk at NUS, I suddenly wondered, what if all my best mates went overseas to study holy shit that means only ky, sis and gordy will be around for 2 years in NS and by the time I graduate, they will prolly leave NS too and then what if they leave SG wah I cannot tahan this REALISATION but neither can I ignore it cuz it might happen and that will be it mann. the absolute end of kristie swaggie ng lol if, IF this ever happens Lord pls help me tide through this I dont even want to imagine the amount of tears I will shed every night when this happens

5) after a long hiatus I finally finished SNK and I was never really a fan of anime (other than Gundam OMG I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH GUNDAM KIRA YAMATO WAS SO CUTE PLUS THE STORY LINE SO TRAGIC MY CHILDHOOD) but wow WOW SNK IS SO EXCITING WTH NO SHOW HAS MADE ME GASP AND AND SIT UPRIGHT IN MY CHAIR AND PAUSE THE SHOW CUZ THE EVENTS THAT WERE COLLAPSING (not even unfolding that will be too meek, its COLLAPSING)  BEFORE MY EYES WERE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE after it ended I was undergoing serious withdrawal symptoms so I read the manga online from where the anime left off AND OMG ITS EVEN WORST I WAS ACTUALLY HESITANT TO PRESS 'NEXT' ky says im addicted LOL he doesnt know about how i react to himym hahahahha and now after scrolling through snk tumblrs it has kinda spoilt the show for me cuz i dont find it tragic anymore i find it FUNNY which is just perverse because in every episode at least 30 ppl die lol but hahaha so funny when eren says 'heichouuuuuu' ahh cutie
am watching MMFD too and wow its just eyecandy throughout Dan Cohen and Nico Mirallegro <3 nbsp="" p="">
I love Rae so much she is such an interesting character and she actually feels like an actual teenager LOL like her problems, however trivialised or serious are actually very real problems we face and the things she say omg. there was a line 'Finn is so out of my league that no one will ever suspect that I liked him' YES!!!!!! hahahhaaha what I think all the time props to scriptwriters yay!!

6) I have 10 books to read, 3 which I left off halfway but I dont think I'll be reading 3 of them which leaves 7 books and I cannot decide which one to read first and I also need to watch GoT (I have S1 and S2) and I need to find a replacement for HIMYM and also watch the remaining Leo Di movies plus I need to explore so many other places too AHH, so many things to do, so many places to be lets see if I manage to complete any in the upcoming week LOL 

what to heck I had such a strange/weird/odd dream what the hell and then at first it was completely happy and unbelievable and THEN it got so weird and slightly reminiscent of my actual life and THEN the character completely changed to a DIFFERENT one what the freak THIS JUST FURTHER EXEMPLIFY JUST HOW DEEP I AM IN THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN IN THE ROAD OF DELUSION 

yoooooooo gal is 18!!!

 so there ya go! i turned 18 wow!! even tho bdays are losing its novelty i must say i felt very special and blessed xx Sis gave me a whole bunch of stuff on Thurs night and on Fri morn, he came to my place AND GAVE ME EVEN MORE STUFF WOW baked pancakes all before school somemore so touched :') AND GUESS WHAT!!! Mr SLB President (the 'very cool and swag one') dropped me a bday text and i haven't spoken to him in YEARS and he gave me bday advice he's only 2 years older but he is basically a wise old man HAHA honestly I was dreading my 18th but after talking to Clement I feel more comforted/secured come what may!!! I had three different wishes HOPING AT LEAST ONE COMES TRUE LOL
had dinz with sis, kok and LRR at Marché and lol the queue was so long and we just SAUNTERED in HAHA kok's eyes literally lit up when he entered basement LOL there was a moment I tried to take a napkin from underneath the weight of silverware and instead I made a complete mess and it just hit me that sooner or later no one is going to help me with all these simple tasks and I can't even do it right?!?! FELT MOMENTARILY DEPRESSED but yay kok saved the day I feel like whenever I freak out or 'not get my shit tgt' kok is there to fix everyth hopefully one day I'll be the one to fix ppl and things. LRR came in with 6 Krispy Kreme donuts with candles on HAHAHAHA WHAT THE DONUTS ARE MY FAVOURITE PASTRIES!!!! SO HAPPY!!!  she got me a Hello Kitty name stamp thingy which I will tattoo all over my body do not try to stop me
fun time with fam on sat (must learn how to make burgers so big i  need a satay stick to hold them tgt)
Zep got me a Hello Kitty cake HAHAHA it was so cute and fav pair of siblings got me pancake mix and a frying pan I WILL NEVER BE SAD FOR THE REST OF MY LYF since last year i've been whining and complaining about how much I love pancakes yet I lack the equipment/ability to make them and WOW very excited will start asap feel so blessed thank u everyone thank u God

u guys r actually the best 

 found this at ahma's house there is literally no difference (btw can u still see the Japanese in me?)

 LRR's theory that no matter how hard I try I can't ever take a good photo I LOOK THE SAME?!

 p.s. that is not beer trying to take some 'alcohol rules!!!' pictures 

 the cake zep bought LOOK AT IT!!! shawn and zep had to use very barbaric methods to break hello kitty's head

i am the least domestic person on earth and my first try was horrid the pancakes looked like PRATA but belicia did the cat and i did the bear U SEE IT ISN'T THAT BAD SO HAPPY THE START OF A NEW CARRER (been 3 years and i'm still in love with her house)

as a child of 25

when I was 12/13 I always thought that by the time I get to 18 I would have my lyf tgt and by that I meant be an almost adult have little or minimal freak outs and be very wise as I turn 18 in about 2 days, I realise I am still a child and I think I alway be there are so many things I cannot handle but then again up to this point of my life, I have handled a wide array of situations well (or so I like to think) so every day I am still learning and hopefully one day I feel some semblance of what's it like to be an adult but then again being an adult is a myth I bet Obama feels like a kid sometimes too wow so much in common eh 

I don't hate bdays, I kinda dread it. Don't get me wrong, I love celebrating bdays but ever since I turned 16 the novelty of bdays just kinda wore off and the thing I hate the most about bdays is that cuz it is 'your day' you feel all sorts of self entitlement, and you subconsciously expect ppl to do nice things to/for you, you expect ppl you've haven't spoken to in awhile to wish you happy bday, you expect all sorts of things from your family, your best mates etc etc but the thing is they are NOT obligated to do anyth at all and once you have all these subconscious expectations you will naturally get disappointed when you don't get what you want and this is hella pointless cuz, reinforcing my aforementioned point, ppl are NOT obligated to do anyth for your bday and it sucks cuz you can't help but expect stuff it just reminds you of what an ungrateful being you are and also I am getting older tbh I feel borderline depressed on my bdays I don't even know why today has been a very long day of me feeling all sorts of emotions I blame himym 

dumbass

I WROTE A LONG ASS POST ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND THEN I POSTED IT ON THE WRONG BLOG AND NOW I HAVE TO RETYPE EVERYTHING BUT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE EXHAUSTED THE TOPIC MAYBE LATER TONIGHT

academic career and lotsa tears

I AM OVERWHELMED WITH ANGST AND RAGE RIGHT NOW I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST THIS SHOULD'VE BEEN ADDRESSED WHEN I WAS A KID NOT 6 YEARS LATER OK I WILL START.
d
Over the past 6 years I've occasionally looked back on my education and evaluated how well I've 'flourished' or been 'ruthlessly trampled on' by the route I've taken, (note I say route, because even though the education system is 'flawed', I am very sure there are alot of ppl who have benefited from it and I do not want to label it (even though i might just have) but anyway). Today I read a blogpost about the journey of this girl who has been through the entire 'elite education' and she shared about how she was the minority that did not in fact benefit from it and after I read it I was completely taken aback because she expressed exactly what I've been trying to express for the past 6 years. I spent the whole night looking back on my education and I realise it took me 6 years to realise just how screwed up this entire thing is and like her, I shall start from the very beginning and I will try to compartmentalise my points and make this as coherent as possible.

1) My mum was from Rosyth so she sent me there and in P1 and P2 i rmb being exceptionally good at studying, I didn't even study tbh but then again majority of kids will do well in these 2 years so I never really gave it much thought, after all why would an 8 year old care about academic excellence? In P3 we had 'so called' streaming where the school will start to arrange students according to their academic abilities, (smth pretty common considering that it would be beneficial to group likeminded students tgt to facilitate learning) and for some strange odd reason I ended up in the 'top' P3 class and that was the first time I realised that being smart (or essentially getting As) was actually smth that was revered. And I'd like to say that I was a smart child, but you need to see my then classmates. They weren't just smart, they were brilliant. And I was thrown into the mix, we could get along, in fact I had many friends but when it came to understanding mathematical concepts or essay writing that was a great distinction between me and them. I used to sit at the front, next to this guy who was this math genius like he was very weird and strange but he was hella smart (I feel like I am overusing the word 'smart' but there are many synonyms for 'smart' and I do not want to misuse the other words so I shall stick to smart, bear with me) and I think he knew that we were aware of his uncanny ability when it came to figures and my form teacher always liked to cultivate his passion in numbers and sometimes she even asked him for his opinions and can you imagine a 25-ish year old asking a 9 year old for opinions on math?? Can you? I can't but yes it happened. One thing about my teacher was that she's a very no bullshit kinda person and she wasn't afraid to mince her words and I rmb one time she asked my classmate who was at the teacher's desk 'Do you think you are complacent?' and cuz I sat at the front I heard the entire conversation and I rmb thinking 'wtf is complacent?!?!?!?' and obviously my classmate who has a greater range of vocab understood what my teacher was talking about and lemme ask you (maybe its just me) but how many 9 year olds know the meaning of complacent?! How many??!?!?! Tell me pls. It was then I knew that I am not even in the same league as my classmates, they were WAY more advanced than I was. I rmb how we would compare report card comments with each other and I rmb a bunch of my classmates had '___ has a flair for writing' and there I was completely stumped by the word 'flair' what does it mean?!?!?! Was it a good/bad thing?? I didn't know but I knew that I didn't have it on my report card, I might've been in the 'top' class but no way was I ever going to measure up with my classmates.

2) When P4 approached most of the smartasses in my previous class had fled to GEP classes while I was left in the express, and surprise surprise guess who found herself in the 'top' express class again?? You might think that there was less comparison and competition since most of my genius classmates were outta the picture but haha hells no this was just the beginning of a more mellowed version of Hell Pt. 1. I had the worst form teacher ever. I say worst not cuz she was bad at teaching, she was pretty alright, but worst because she was a bitch. (let's call her L.T) She was so biased and a complete suck up I hated her so much and she constantly favoured the 'smarter' students. Tbh, it is very easy to tell apart the geniuses form the painfully accidental 'lucky' kinda smart average kids. The geniuses do not have to try, the rest of them aka me were just so obviously less capable than our peers. I was going through some massive ugly phase in primary school ok like girl my hair was tragically unshapely god it was so bad HAHA and of course my teacher thought it would be a good idea to make fun of my appearance, wow like that isn't decimating or emotionally scarring but she went ahead anyway, bitch had fun doing it. And she told my parents that I was dumb HA FUCK YOU BITCH what kinda teacher does that?!?!?! Coincidentally she hated on George too so wow it marked the start of our beautiful friendship <3 12="" 60="" 60plus.="" 90="" a="" able="" about="" actually="" afraid="" after="" aiming="" all="" always="" am="" amused="" and="" annoying="" antics="" anyang="" anyway="" as="" average="" badly="" be="" before="" br="" but="" by="" ca="" can="" certain="" class="" classmates="" close="" collecting="" comes="" comforted.="" compare="" completely="" concerned="" cuz="" day="" death="" didn="" die.="" differently="" digits="" dismissed="" disturbed="" document="" dream="" elite="" ended="" especially="" even="" eventually="" everyone="" everytime="" exam="" factors.="" fail="" folks="" for="" form="" found="" friends="" from="" george="" gerald="" get="" god="" going="" gonna="" gordy="" got="" grades="" group="" guess="" h.t="" had="" hadn="" have="" heading="" heard="" her="" high="" him="" hopeless="" how="" i="" idea="" if="" ill="" in="" into="" ironically="" is="" isn="" it.="" it="" its="" jk="" joke="" just="" kids="" kinda="" knew="" know="" kristie="" l.t="" la="" last="" less="" like="" liked="" likes="" lol="" lowest="" lucky-kinda-smart-average-kids="" make="" marks="" math="" maths.="" maybe="" me="" mean="" melodramatic="" messed="" most="" much="" my="" nbsp="" ng="" nicks.="" nicks="" no="" now="" of="" old="" on="" once="" one="" or="" other="" our="" out="" overachieving="" own="" p4="" p6="" papers="" pass="" plus="" pretty="" psle="" raffles="" re="" realised="" really="" reason="" received="" regarding="" rest="" results="" right="" rmb="" sat="" school="" schools="" score="" sec="" seen="" she="" smartasses="" so="" sobbing="" some="" st="" still="" strange="" sure="" t="" talking="" talks="" teacher="" testimony="" tgt="" that="" the="" them.="" them="" then="" there="" they="" think="" this="" though="" thought="" through="" till="" to="" told="" too="" tsk="" turn="" unman="" up="" upper="" upset="" vaguely="" ve="" very="" wach="" wanted="" was="" we="" weird="" well="" went="" were="" what="" when="" while="" who="" with="" would="" wouldn="" wrote="" xinting="" xms="" year="" yet="" you="">

3) MOVING ON, I had fun during orientation in XMS but after the hype died down I felt nauseated by the fact that my best friend was so far from where I was at and my desire to be in St Nicks was insanely strong??? Like I literally cried every recess and I intended to transfer to St Nicks and then move on to Hwach and I am not even kidding when I say I cried every recess SH and PJ can testify to that I was borderline depressed, I put so much pressure on myself every single test I took I had to excel and after 4 years of constant reminders that I was a second class student, by some twist of fate I actually topped my class. SIAO. Joke I tell you. Believe or not Kristie was finally 'making her parents proud' up till now I have no idea how I did it. I owned this notebook where I would write depressing entries about how miserable I was in sec 1 and how I wanted to leave so badly and honestly I don't know why I was so blue and tortured like I was inflicting all these self mutilation of my mental health. Maybe it was the fact that my past classmates were far more 'accomplished' then I was and I felt the need to measure up to them. Lol what a dumbass why you wanna out yourself through that huh past kristie? BUT ANYHOO my feelings of wanting to attend St Nicks sorta faded cuz I was having so much fun in school so I eventually let that 12 year old girl dream of that go. In sec 2 I was still doing relatively well but my r/s with my folks were really bad, coupled with emotional stress and trauma I was going through I pretty much felt like I was drowning the entire of sec 2. Somewhere in May my folks suggested take up this test VJ was offering, like if you passed the test you would be enrolled in the IP programme in VJ and since I was doing pretty well I thought why not? Plus Gordy was enrolling in the IP programme so I thought might as well. Eventually I didn't and my folks were really really mad at me for not taking the test like I actually filled out the application form and had all the necessary documents but in the end I didn't submit it and wah I tell you I felt like I let my folks down, my results weren't as good then and I didn't want to leave XMS since I started to feel so comfortable there but yeah that marked the start of parental rifts and it felt like they resented me for missing the chance. Come to think of it, I don't think I would've been accepted anyway.

4) Upper sec was a nightmare. Hell Pt 2. I made the mistake of choosing Pure Physics and Elective Geog like I didn't know what I was thinking. It all went downhill in sec 3. I was doing horridly I think I was like bottom 50 in the cohort. Not bottom 50% but bottom 50 as in PLACING pretty impressive considering just 2 years ago I was top 20 in cohort top 20 placing ah. JOKE. In sec 3 I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't really care anyway, I wanted to get into VJ but I think that dream slowly faded when I realised it was pretty much impossible. In sec 4 I knew I had to get my shit tgt if I didn't want to end up messing up the rest of my life. Bluntly said, I did not have any goals or ambitions, I wanted a few things: 1) to write 2) to travel 3) to be at sea and then halfway through the year I started to panic so I decided to try my hand at DSA-ing, siala my portfolio quite impressive got CCA achievements, Leadership roles all I was quite proud of it but ALAS I didn't get the call. Btw I sent in my application to ALOT of schools but in the end I only went for VJ's audition, I kinda just gave up on the other schools even though they had a slot for me. I decided that since I knew I wasn't going to end up in VJ I better set new targets and I decided that maybe I should try poly instead. I was quite interested in Mass Comm then but I didn't give it much thought. My prelim results couldn't even get me into the course. I was a wreck I tell you may not have been very evident but I knew I was going to die like there is only so much you can do within that time frame to pull up your grades and I knew I couldn't do much. I wanted to do well but when you have no goals or ambitions its very hard for you to push yourself towards it. I hated studying I hated it so much I felt so worthless esp since I had 4 math/science subjects WHICH I SUCKED AT and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't. There were times when I felt myself improving but oftentimes I think I was just lucky la. I rmb coming home one day and crying in the toilet cuz I finally realised that this was it if I messed this up thats it. By some miracle (and prolly God's grace) I did pretty well like way better than my expected score (but I must say I worked super hard during the last 2 months before O's ok) and from my dad's urging I decided to enrol in SAJC (prior to this I had never heard of it) and Gerald ended up in SA too so I was quite happy :)) but not for long lol

5) DO KEEP IN MIND THAT I HAD NO GOALS/AMBITIONS SO I DIDNT CARE ABOUT JCs OR WHATEVER I ONLY HAD ONE GOAL WHICH WAS UNREALISTIC SO YA THAT ONE MY FAULT LA I felt like I was going to die, I literally spent every second contemplating the importance of education I felt so pointless I was crying every night cuz I felt like I was forcing myself into misery I missed XMS alot and I hated the fact that I couldve been doing smth else that did not involve myself shedding tears LOL #mess #whitetrash don't get me wrong, I liked SA I still feel attached towards it but call me a coward maybe I was afraid of facing A's idk anyway I went to talk to the SA principal and I ended up crying in her office LOL LOSER I was crying so much then :( in the end I decided to leave SA and I left the day before my bday HAHAHAHA and now here I am waiting for my Year 2 in NP to start and yes I am in Mass Comm. There were many times I wondered if it was worth it, transferring out, but after today I'm very sure this is where I was supposed to be. If you asked me if I think I could've done A's, honestly I can safely say that I would be able to go through it. I am very aware of my own capabilities and I am able to be very honest with myself when it comes to such stuff. If I know that I can',  then I am expecting lesser of myself. The A level curriculum is not for everyone, I think I would have gotten a mix of Bs and Cs though at the cost of my mental health I mean school had just started for a month and I was crying almost every day that has to be a sign right?

So this is the story of my academic career, through Facebook stalking, I can safely say I am the only one in my P5/6 class to end up in poly and majority of my classmates are in Hwach/RJ/ etc (George is in Hwach) and I heard my fair share of stories of elitism nightmares anyway it feels like I've been going downhill eh? I like to draw a visual image, say two different lines angled away from one another, slightly, just very slightly, but as the line proceeds the gap between the two lines increase exponentially and the distance is ALOT and right now I'm thinking how in the world am I expected to bridge that gap in Uni?! I am hoping the bulk of them move on to Ivy League Unis or overseas prestigious schools PLS LEAVE SOME LOCAL SLOTS FOR PPL LIKE ME. Painfully average, poor kids who can't afford to go overseas. If I were rich I would just leave SG after O's and pursue Lit and then go to college get a degree and maybe even a Masters or Bachelor's. Alas, this is not the reality I live in.

My final point would then be about ppl like my bro and how they suffer from this system. My bro is currently in the NA stream in secondary school and he enrolled in Rosyth just like I did and being from the 'top' class, I knew how much the Principal favoured us I mean like if you were a Principal you would like your smart kids right?! But they weren't even discreet about showing their affection and if there was alr a very clear distinction between the kids in the 'top' class, can you imagine the COLOSSAL difference between the 'smart kids' and the 'below average kids'??? And even in secondary school you are constantly being reminded that you are of a different stream from the majority its just messed up when in the first place you don't even receive the same opportunities. If you're rich or talented, you can always go private or enrol yourself in specialised institutes, but some ppl do not have that privilege or like me are just painfully average we can't go anywhere other then the usual route which in the first place is designed for kids who are really really smart and and they benefit from this sort of system. You may dismiss me as being whiny or ungrateful but I'm just starting to realise how messed up my primary school environment was and I think I am addressing this issue a tad too late cuz even after 6 years, there is STILL the inclination to compare myself with my peers and perhaps it has alr been inculcated in me since young. I for one will never, never put my kid through such an environment. I am sure there are many others out there who suffered way worst than I did or ever will and this is a long post and I digress a fair bit BUT THIS IS A RANT ok I am done pls do ponder about this tho, I want to change this system but I have no idea how if you have any ideas or solutions do lemme know ok #KristieforPresident 

help me

you have this ability to stun/fascinate me