The Book Thief

“He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It’s his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry.” 

Dad bought 'The Book Thief' for me from US in sept and i just finished it and wow idk how to put this in words but most of my favourite books often involve at least a death and a child haunted by death and smth about stories like these make me ache in places i am unable to simply cuz I cannot begin to imagine how it feels like without the same experience and in a way I like to say this increases my capacity to feel and process and express. The Book Thief really broke my heart I almost cried on the train while reading about a certain someone's death. Markus often weaves in an out he doesn't really go by a linear time line and when he drops this bomb on you (foreshadowing what's about to happen) you are stricken yet at the same time expectant of what's to come and frick I was not looking forward to it happening I wanted to stop reading it but to do that is not giving justice to Markus. I loved how the story was narrated, by Death and how he was personified i could almost visualize him without a scythe. Idk how he arranges such simple words and yet they form the greatest most lasting impressions 'So much good, so much evil. Just add water.' and how every death is associated to colour it makes me think how smth as simple, as natural, as normal as magnificent as death can somehow translate to colour can somehow be expressed through visual aids how a life, can be concluded with a single shade. Think I will reread this, what a great book.

had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that for some odd reason I was enrolled in *the almost equivalent of the top JC in sg* and I even took H2 chem (at this point in time my brain is just being ridiculous I can't even handle O level chem) and I was filling up admin stuff regarding my enrollment and if I were to decide to switch to *said JC* it meant that I had to quit poly but I was almost done with year 1 so I'll have to start over again in JC sometimes I really wonder what leads my brain to churn out such impossible scenarios at night 

you see when you put me under pressure i have 2 outcomes:

1) i get a jolt of inspiration from writhing in my skin tryna come up with substantial material and i manage (one way or another) to craft some sort of 'acceptable' piece of work

2) i cannot think and this is why most of my works always start with these three words 'i cannot think' 

and sometimes the third alternative, i feel so disgusted with myself and feel so inconsequential i immediately stop before i further disgust myself do you get what im tryna say frick i am so stressed right now force-feeding myself words so i can regurgitate them and hope, HOPE (hope is a strong tool, a tool for delusion if i may add) 

there are always feelings and thoughts that i am not good enough and reading works from other kids my age or even younger and frick they just move me and i feel shivers, freaking shivers how in the world is an 18 year old soul able to feel that much????? i get so angry with myself when i cannot measure up am i even good enough? (is the question on my mind) wish me luck pls xx

just created a playlist 'sea'

sometimes i feel like my best friends and i go too far when we congregate (blatantly misusing this word) and what i mean by 'go too far' isn't hardcore badass rebel stuff but other things that will prolly land us on stomp LOL but i can alr visualize us in the future- i imagine us to be very bad parents (not in the sense that we create unnecessary heartache for our kids) (LOL I THINK I WILL BE A VERY WEIRD MUM IF I EVER BECOME ONE) and even though we would be on different paths in life we will always be connected by some sort of invisible string, we wont ever diverge that much anyway

1) EXCITING NEWS!!!!!!
recently i tried my luck regarding my tiresome love affair with words and my tireless search for approval has finally come to fruition!!!! im so happy to embark on this idk where this will take me but this is finally a chance to hone my craft i really hope it goes well *crossing my fingers and toes*

2) also im on a mission this is my first time doing this I RLY HOPE IT GOES WELL TOO thank God LRR is helping me out if not i will combust under all the pressure (i forgot all my physics theories, can you start fires under pressure or cause a similar reaction?)

3) cny is coming really soon and i hardly feel excited this is the worst, there is literally nth sadder than not feeling excited towards cny is this what growing up feels like?

there's this song that i KEEP hearing on the radio that goes smth like this 'it can happen to anyone of us,' (i am unsure about the lyrics but it ends like this 'cuz i made a stupid mistake, a stupid mistake') and its so ridiculously catchy you just wanna singalong and i havent bothered to find out what song it is and while the mural painting was going on the song was playing in the classroom (this was in cambodia) AND THE SONG JUST PLAYED ON THE RADIO AND I AM SO SAD :( i miss it so much :( i miss cambodia so much why am i stuck here every monday i feel my 'premature quarter life crisis symptoms' this is becoming a problem anyway the song is by Gareth Gates so there ya go

Belicia and Kest just sent me baby/unglam pics of one another when they were kids and I HAVE SEEN THINGS THAT ARE UNFORGETTABLE NOW best of both worlds *cues hannah montana*

Her

'It's like I'm writing a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm writing it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live your book any more.'

Just watched 'Her' and oh god i feel so depressed i almost cried, almost. Not gonna spoil the movie for anyone but Theodore is so humanly flawed and oddly familiar it seems like im looking into a mirror 20 years into the future, reverse-gendered. And you cant blame him how he fails to distinguish reality from his delusions when Samantha is so evolved she is almost human but there is only so much that she can provide and i was kinda disturbed with the whole idea, forming relationships with codes, decimals, digits and not flesh, earth and salt. What a great film though dont think I'll stop thinking about this film for a while 

I feel like I am going to die

a few weeks (or months) back i self-diagnosed my constant feelings of drowning and dread and labeled it 'premature quarter life crisis' and it seems like im going through that again seriously i feel like i am drowning in air and my bones, my bones feel like anchors i am literally living for thursday evenings (cuz technically thursday nights are what i consider the start of my weekend) i want to puke seriously i want to leave sg and do missions or smth like that and not come back anymore i keep asking myself 'what the hell am i doing with my life?' i feel so lost and confused even though there is nth out there to let my mind get tangled and warped up with i feel like i am going to die like my life is coming to a halt that everyth is going downhill from now this better be a phase this better be the 'youth maturing into adulthood syndrome' phase this better fade when i finally get my shit tgt and STOP wondering, the grass is always greener on the other side, better suck it up and appreciate what im doing now this better be a phase i am not going to self-destruct.

I've got an asterisk, next you your name

HAVENT HAD SUCH A GREAT DAY IN A LONG TIME what a great day i am so happy :)))) i just wanna dance around :))))))

whenever i doubt my decision to leave SA i just take a look at 13A02's WA group and all my reasons for leaving become tenfold justified i just feel sick looking at all the work and tests mann (but sometimes i still can't help but wonder what it would be like if i stayed in SA) but no point wondering, i am where you are not (you refers to past kristie)

great day

great day im getting kinda excited for cny even tho my mum wants to avoid her responsibilities by escaping sg which i am in favour of (either way i still win)

i kept thinking about doppelgängers today and how theres this saying that if you meet your doppelgänger YOU WILL DIE SOON. well apparently there are 6 ppl in the world that look similar to you (dont know how authentic this is) so like every single time you meet one of them it means you're one step closer to death?? i would totally google this but it is late and i am tired and i dont want to scare myself and everyone else is asleep and i am alone so im just gonna leave it here. anyway what if you married your doppelgänger? will your kids look exactly like you and your spouse? that would be weird. ok i prolly should sleep it is late and i have church tmr goodnight all xx

p.s. i suddenly rmb this Its Friday Im in Love has to be the happiest song on earth i just wanna dance whenever i hear thats it imma have my wedding on friday and future soulmate and i will perform this song at my our wedding half-drunk, bad karaoke style, no wait the entire wedding will just be a huge karaoke party and anyone can go up and sing like Tom Hansen in (500) how awesome would that be wow i should be a wedding planner

(all these fancy is coming back))

saw this somewhere on tumblr decided to try my hand

sext: my collarbones are creeks, my lips an invitation to drown, darling come siphon my every secret

sext: allow me to navigate the valleys and hills of your back, stain it crimson red with my lips

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yes There's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too

Because
Oh
Because I've fallen quite hard over you

If I didn't know you I'd rather not know
If I couldn't have you I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

All of the while
All of the while
All of the while it was you, you!

for some reason my safari cannot connect to the server and i tried so many ways but it doesnt work :'( anyway alot of schools are having their open houses this week and the next and im just gonna say its just a facade lol its a scam la you feel so thrilled and for some reason you have this 'false sense of belonging' and you just wanna enrol in said school but after a year you just realise that be in jc or poly or nafa or laselle or ite or whatever schools you are currently in, these hopes and dreams you carry forth do no translate to reality not being pessimistic or anyth but this is the sad truth and once you hit 17, life doesnt get any easier so dont expect yourself to have bouts of joy (and even if you do they often do not last) boy being an adult is tough i better get my life tgt in 3 years

tell me how the hell am i supposed to sit here and not do anyth while i witness everyth i feel so useless and it fucking hurts seeing you like this

i feel like im going to puke i need a response i am worried sick

you see when school starts i tend to blog more my thoughts are coming out in fragments

1) finished no one belongs here more than you by miranda july. its a collection of prose, short stories which all involve very strange odd fetishes and i was quite uncomfortable but july presents it in a way thats kinda funny and i like her descriptions. like she thinks of the most bizarre feelings, phonemenoms and then she does this incredible thing of stringing them tgt so that we actually get a sense of what she's tryna say and to compartmentalise smth intangible is one of the toughest things to do. ever. one sentence i really liked was 'i was patience defined, patience misspelled, patience sounded out slowly, letter by letter, with the 't' pronounced 'shh'.' just look at that you have no idea what she's talking about but you get it. from the same short story, another sentence, 'i was actually writhing in heartache, as if i were a single muscle whose purpose was to mourn'. BAM but anyway i wasn't very fond of her stories and my conclusion was: there is a very fine line between poetic genius and pure unadulterated bullshit.

2) been binge watching so much of the office I'm starting to live life like I'm in a mockumentary ikr i am borderline psychotic and 100% delusional but honestly the things that have transpired in my life ARE WORTH MAKING INTO A SITCOM not the kind with crude sexual innuendos but the kind when the main character's life is just a joke. anyway i really like pam and jim's storyline hmm and mockumentaries are my favourite kinds of shows cuz its supposed to be a documentary which means everyth is 'non-fiction' which means its possible for these things to happen in real life and these shows are actually the best which means my life has a chance of being as great and it comforts me hahaha go and watch Summer Heights High you will never be happy again cuz whatever shows you watch will NEVER MEASURE UP TO THIS INCREDIBLE CINEMATOGRAPHY FEAT and also Ja'mie Private School Girl haha i love Chris Liley so much

3) and if you are reading this i just wanna say that there are so many possibilities that could happen to us right now. and education may seem so minute, so insignificant compared to exploring or travelling or feeling alive and sometimes i get scared too, at how fickle my heart is, how i say i love one thing and the next moment it doesn't bring me any joy and i thought about it many times how we're gonna be adults and i still haven't found what I'm looking for or just feeling inconsequential in general and i don't think it gets better from here. i think it gets worst. i think its just going to be downhill from here. that my life is nth more than a routine. an obligation. but as cheesy as it sounds, it really isn't. and even though i hardly feel like I'm living (merely existing) i know there are still so many things out there waiting for me to conquer, yes of course there is the fear of not measuring up to your own expectations but i think this is just life. and it gets hard and its ok to cry (i cry a lot in public when I'm alone) its ok to be a loser its ok to feel lost cuz one year ago i said i was very sure this was what i wanted and now all i want is to leave i can't even trust myself and there is nth more frustrating than that (other than taking a passport photo) but i just wanna tell you that I've got your back (and i know you alr know this) if you need to take a break its ok, there is no rush. you have all the time in the world. let us not neglect feeling alive while we survive the trials and tribulations of teenage hood (pretty sure adulthood will suck 10000x more) but I've got you and its ton be rough but its gonna be ok.

i feel so disgusted with myself sometimes like i spent months fretting over my choices and made so many transfers and now a year later when I've settled down i fail to see the joy in school then whats the point of all the unnecessary trouble

it's a funny thing that I cannot explain

it's not even my heart, it's like this inner core that governs mood (mood does not equate to feelings) and I get borderline ecstatic (this I blame myself and all my molecules of fancy) which is completely insane cuz I'm pretty sure 98% is just me and my self-delusion and this morning I woke up, dread straddling my veins cuz sooner or later I'll have to get my head outta my ass and rid myself of all 'I'm so mad at how happy you make me' moments 

:))))))))))))))))))

i just sent LRR a video of my spongebob performing a very emotional 'Back to December'

well I know that getting you alone isn't easy to do

and I don't wanna lie and I don't wanna tell you the truth

and I know we've got places to go, we've got people to see

think we both ought to put them on hold and I know you agree

how i bid 2013 farewell

day 1//
the flight to PP was pretty quick and the air was surprisingly cooling, like Taiwan?? nth much happened really, had an 8 hour bus ride to SR and there were so many cows along the streets, like eating or standing around, doing whatever things cows do and they were all so bony, i don't even think they translate to much beef. once we reached like the second rest stop for toilets, it kinda hit me that this is the situation in Cambodia like i am dealing with possible non-electrictiy sanitation and i got quite scared but just gotta suck it up like a bitch. there's a lot of sand everywhere and dogs too some of which resemble pigs and kangaroos and wolves, (their face structure, not their physical size) the town area was really fancy though, most of the 5 star (i am assuming they are) have similar architectural structures they kinda look like palaces lol BUT V HAPPENING (nth compared to phuket tho)
had dinner at Aunt Sopheap's place and its this cemented house with a front porch right at the side of the street and she has 4 dogs hahaha and each meal comes with 3 pots, rice, soup and veg (sounds v healthy and clean but for some reason after i came back and weighed myself, i gained 1.3kg from phuket and cambodia wat)
the toilet in BBLC was ok la not bad just that the cubicles were constantly flooded and there were a lot of crickets and flies and six-legged friends (think i saw a spider once) and it was super cold PLUS THE TEMP welcome to the arctic xx

day 2//
i think day 2 was the day that impacted me most. when we first started out i suddenly felt incredibly shy cuz i didn't know how to gauge how wide the language barrier was but when i saw El talking to some girls i just felt like i needed to man up so i went to talk to the girls and one of the girls i met (her name is Marry) she's the sweetest most friendly girl I've met (this might be a hyperbole but) she's 13 and in one of my classes for the younger kids, at first it was kinda awkward and unnatural since we had a translator and while they were doing the craft it was just us staring at them V TENSE LOL but we exchange khmer vocab (kla is tiger) after the lesson the kids left for school and before Marry said bye she gave me one of her rings that she was wearing on her finger LIKE WHAT I DO NOT DESERVE THIS I WAS SO TOUCHED LIKE ALL I DID WAS TALK TO YOU AND THIS HAPPENS i am so undeserving mann. btw i asked those girls to guess my age and they said i looked 20?!?!?!?!?! what the frick in that moment i understood why there are more advantages to looking younger than looking older thank you God for my flawless face
we had another class at the Training Shed and some more in the evening and i was talking to one of the older kids (she's 16) and

cambodia vs sg

'do you like studying?'

'yes'

'what time does school start for you?'

'public school starts at 7, and private school at 6.'

'what time do you wake up?'

'4'

the 'yes' does not justify her excitement when talking about how much she loved studying ok i told her i 'do not like studying' and afterwards while i thought about it i realised that maybe i shouldn't have said that and i begun to see how unappreciative i was like education is the ticket outta poverty for these kids (tbh they aren't exactly the poorest) ok rephrase, education is prolly their only way to seeing the rest of the world for them and here i am loathing knowledge and school when i am definitely 1000x more privilege than them. and then i also wondered why ppl hate studying so much, isn't it wonderful to learn? maybe it isn't just me (being an ingrate) maybe just maybe the education system in sg is flawed but pls disclaimer i am not trying to blame the gov or anyth or distract anyone from my own ungratefulness i am just wondering 

met this other girl (she told me to call her Rabit) and boy her english is tip top ok she asked me to play soccer with the other kids and i met this boy he's 11 called Sawthar (or smth liddat the spelling is inaccurate) and he rmbs me omg like the next day or rather 2 days later we met at church AND HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS PARTNER FOR THIS REALLY COMPLICATED BALL GAME AHH i hate kids mann they are so disgusting and annoying but these cambodian kids wow they don't judge they just wanna be friends i felt so welcomed 

and yes that morning i played monkey with some of the kids and when i was monkey this ball flew into my face and i ended up bleeding from the lips hahaah loser you see these kinda things happen to me when i do sports 

and the boys are v cheeky one of them said 'i have a baby' in other words he called me pregnant in khmer WHAT THE I AM NOT EVEN THAT ROUND IN FACT I AM QUITE SLIM IF I DARESAY MYSELF offended tsk tsk hahah but aw mann i really wonder whats gonna happen to them mann. where will they be in 10 years time? 

day 3//

sat atop a truck for the first time in my life while we were travelling to visit this really ulu village and give food packages it was like those kinda safari rides in the zoo except that this was real. the villages were really like those kinda kampongs like the kind of huts you can imagine and we went to this particular house and they had this ginormous pig hahahha damn scary and a turk and piglets and dogs and chicks. i carried this little baby pup and there was this baby girl who kept tryna take it from me and she was squishing its neck and the pup was yelping :'''''''( and this boy carried the pup for me to hold SO SWEET AHHHH sg needs more cambodian kids than the brats we have here mann these kids from the village are really those kind that haven't really been in contact with any gadgets or anyth and they kept giggling when i showed them the front cam on my phone ahhh babies :'( i honestly don't know where they will be in the future 

went to the Khmer Christian Church to play hockey with the locals (and i obviously did not take part in any physical activity pertaining to my accident the day before) (no really i was just lazy) 

day 4//

went to the KCC in the morning for service and played with the kids after and Sawthar told me to be his partner :))))))))))))))) he then dumped me to be solo LOL and i partnered up with Phanna (?) but i sucked so bad you see you cannot give me a ball or any sports equipment that involves me holding it thats why i don't mind being in rock climbing cuz the only things you hold in your hand is your own life and you don't wanna mess that up. 

day 5//

moved to a hotel WAH ITS PARADISE I TELL YOU went to angkor wat at first i was kinda bored but the Bayon Temple was frickin cool ok i felt i was transported into a Miyazaki film it felt v mystical and there were so many rocks to climb it was definitely hotter in the town area compared to the countryside what more can i say about angkor wat? THERE ARE PLENTY ROCKS HAHA i didn't know that ppl actually live inside went to the night market and ate at some pizza place aye the whole area felt v westernised la result of globalisation the markets felt like phuket too except there were more stuff to buy went for a foot massage and we played 'guess my age' and when i said i was 17 the lady said that the dude massaging my feet was 18 HAHAH WHAT SO PAISEH OMG but after experiencing a foot massage i can never be happy again like that was honestly the best feeling in the world there is nth that can top that 

day 6//

went to the old market and then SR airport and i got another massage (which was obviously nth compared to the foot massage) am back in sg now AND I KEEP THINKING ITS STILL DEC 

wow i think i definitely learnt a lot through this trip, this entire would is so huge and the fact that the kids will prolly never see the other side of the world makes me kinda sad but they are so genuine i feel envious of them. like this kinda hospitality and community i can never experience in sg i guess in some ways they are richer than i am 2013 sucked but then again it was pretty good seeing 2 of my fave bands live and going on so many adventures i think i grew up a lot this year. 2014 alr seems scary but i hope its gon be hella rad and i shall have only one main resolution this year which i cannot  fail no matter what (so as to avoid unnecessary disappointment) which is to grow my hair really long, like past the boob till like my waist or a similar length LIKE IF I SCREW THAT UP I REALY AM HOPELESS HAHA happy 2014 guys have a good one xx