'Scientists have found that the significant asteroid named Eros demonstrates signs of erosion. I am not making this up. The scientists have trouble figuring out why this is happening since there is no wind and no water in outer space to make erosion happen. I am nineteen and Jude is thirty-three.... The scientists working on asteroids suspect that the erosion on Eros is caused by magnetic fields and magnetic storms. The friction in attraction. So I am certain that I will erode faster than Jude.'
- The Seas, Samantha Hunt

learnt a new word today. immolate which is to be destroyed by fire. Also leant chimera which is to have unreal illustrations of something/someone I can't rmb the exact words but it's more or less like this. When to search if there is a word for 'destroy by water' and realised it would be 'flood' or 'drown' decided to be more specific, 'destroyed by the sea' and apparently there are no words for that. Maybe 'erode'. But then again hard to imagine smth like the ocean destroying anything, think its just trying to take us back. 

almost done i am so close do not give up yet!!!!!!

The weeks are passing so quickly and so slowly at the same time. I can't believe it's been a month since LRR's bday. Quick because I cannot rmb anyth that happened in the past week and slow because LRR's bday felt like ages ago. Anyway

Sat: went to legoland and lol i have a lot of things to talk about HAHA I can't believe I actually feel sad about it being over but i am super tired right now the exhaustion is setting in i will try my best my brain are churning thoughts that are very incoherent

Legoland is pretty boring if you are above the age of 10 haha everyth there is for kids and kids above 120cm can take all of the rides and so that was what kinda spurred me on to sit on my very first rollercoaster LOL actually i took the one at USS before but that one was kinda small so idk if that would count as my first time??? but back to the rollercoaster, i told myself 2 things: 1) look at that kid he looks 10 and he is sitting at the front row you are 18 what excuse do u have and then i just go ahead because how bad would it reflect on me if i was a pussy lol 2) i have this new outlook on lyf aka what would finn/harry/eren do. finn as in finn from adtime, harry from harry potter and eren from snk and its been working so far when i lie to myself 'wow this is an adventure dont be afraid its gonna be so thrilling' and im actualy quite great at convincing myself and it works AND THIS MENTALITY IS HELPING ME THROUGH SO MUCH thank u fictional characters

the staff there were so friendly and sweet and there was this *travelling troupe* of musicians who sang at every eatery (lol eatery sounds so low class but sorry la i cannot think properly should not have procrastinated this post) and they kept singing let it go made me happy cuz they were spectacular and sad because there are SO MANY other songs u can sing!!! and they kept repeating it ahh

also this kid thought i was in pri school hahahaah frick u im honestly too tired to type full story out so u get my half-hearted attempt maybe i'll edit this tmr but if u stalk me on twitter the full story condensed to 140 characters is there

Sun: followed clare to cover her event and sengkang ppl feel extremely different from bishan ppl amirite the whole atmosphere is different in a way i find hard to put into words there were a bunch of pri school kids beatboxing and rapping and they were not bad leh and i dont get it these 12 year olds were behaving like american kids and this chinese dude kept throwing the n word loosely i was so shocked like u look 8 but u act 14????? (lol will continue more tmr)

went to sis's new condo and apparently mr singh is he neighbor HAHAHAAH omg so happy to spend the afternoon and evening with lrr and sis what would i do w/o them mann










sigh i want to stab the lump of useless muscle in the middle of my chest. mass of nerve and and sinew. i hate life 

i feel like carving my heart out from my chest and grinding it to a smooth silky pulp and then setting it on fire
or carve my heart out and set it on a plate, feed it to the dogs, lions, wolves, masticate and devour, leave no traces behind. you are starving so please, do not hold back.
i hate this so much take my bones and crush them to salt- i said i wanted to bleed, but not like this.
not like this.

Oh yes I wanted to add:

Today while rushing to leave the house, I grabbed a pair of socks then I got distracted and I couldn't find the sock I just grabbed so I took another one and after I left my house I opened my bag AND THE ORIGINAL PAIR WAS STUFFED INSIDE WTF THIS IS EITHER VERY HIGH LEVEL MAGICIAN TECHNIQUES OR JUST ME BEING A DUMBASS so I went for a buffet with a sock stuffed in my bag I think I have STM

(At least not std right)

There's this awesome super cool mega fresh shop at plaza sing called Absolut Comics AND IT IS PARADISE ON EARTH THEY HAVE ALMOST ALL KINDS OF MERCH FROM DIFFERENT FANDOMS GOT, SNK, ADTIME, MARVEL, STAR WARS YOU NAME IT!!!!! Must thank for finding it I will buy that shop in about 5 years time when I'm rich and famous ok I need to beat insomnia I think I might have it goodnight have a lovely week will update yall aka myself 

jude

felt like i did nothing and everything this weekend

Sat:
ventured into the east with my cousins while pedalling with all my might and strength to the very end of the road. for a moment i felt like i was *living in a seaside town where we all travel on bikes and wear shorts with tanks and slippers* am i that desperate for any form of escapism? but what a chill day i had such a great time im so glad we are so close. OH YES while we were cycling on the jetty there were ppl fishing and then omg i just feel like puking when i see dead animals idk mann its not like i haven't seen a dead fish i have many times and even touched dead fish aka the ones you get from the grocer but LIKE animals you dont want dead AND THEY END UP DYING BECAUSE OF HUMANS AND ITS NOT EVEN FOR COMMERCIAL OR ECONOMICAL MOTIVES BUT FOR LEISURE OR ACCIDENTAL or just dead animals in the presence of... ME sorry i am incompetent cannot think of a category broad and specific enough but just dead animals in general i get very uncomfortable when i see them and slightly sad especially if there are flies/scavengers feeding on it omg like that cannibalistic act at the Aquarium it messed me up ok i still rmb how the murder scene looked like anyway i want a bike its so great having a bike i feel so carefree and i can continue my 'riding my bike in a small town' delusions lol

Sun:
today is my dad's bday!!! my dad is 52 this year but he looks so young AND THIS IS THE MOST I'VE SPENT ON ANYONE THIS YEAR AND ITS ON FOOD HAHAHAH but i always get my dad shitty gifts so its time i step up my game i actually get pretty great gifts LOL but i always have no idea what to get my dad cuz he has everyth so my mum and i split dinner HAHA anyway my dad is actually very lame i think i got my lameness from him seriously he is so lame he is cool yknow you can exceed the threshold and then suddenly become cool it has happened to me LULZ yeah i am incredibly lame but my mum is hardly goofy so its good to have someone like my dad to goof around with but he can be so fierce sometimes too :'( but thats only when i screw up la my dad has definitely influenced me in many ways in fact i think im more like him than my mum?? i think the only notable difference between us is his dining etiquette he eats pizza with a knife and fork (i just stuff it whole in my mouth ;) lol jk) and how he is a man of MATH!!! SCIENCE!!!! i... meh cmi la

sang yak fai lok ba :) :)

I am feeling a lot of things right now I think it's because my period is coming soon?? Anyway. Saw a post on Tumblr of  Gabriel Gracía Márquez and I quote 'since I was born I had known I would be a writer. I had the will the ability the capacity to be a writer. I have never stoppe writing or imagined doing anything else. Though I never believed I could live on it, I was ready to die for it.' 

Look at me. Look at how disgusting I am. I actually want to make money out of writing, out of words. I should've known that I could never live on writing. Live off maybe. But live on, defintely no. Am I ready to die for words? I think I might be. Perhaps. In fact I think so. Yes. I think I might be ready to die for writing. So now that I'm commited to the bone, teach me then, how do I turn my blood into ink? Teach me how not to mock at fellow writers teach me to be humble teach me to be self aware to understand I will never be good enough, I will never match up. It is the only way I can improve my craft. Teach me to stop straddling between genuinety and pretentiousness. Teach me to swallow and choke and fight and bleed. Teach me to absorb and wound and taint and bleed. Teach me hurt my own skin with my own tongue. Teach me to feel and process and translate into ink. I've been feeling so much. So so much I feel like I am going to die. Every night I think I am going to die. I am not suicidal but I feel like I am in the process of dying. Teach me how to take this plate full of feelings and trade them for words, fall into m palms like beads, coins. You see I am begging. I am begging for coins I am begging for words. I am nothing and I have nothing only my hands and sometimes my heart and not even my mind. My mind does not even belong to me. I am willing to bleed and I am afraid of blood. But I want to bleed and I will bleed. I will bleed words and I will have my blood turn into ink. 

its friday im in love

every friday night i just wind up being more in need of immediate distractions
i.e. i am faltering even more with each passing week

I feel like ever since feb I've been lounging comfortably in a soft malleable pile of misery, misery I'm so used to it doesn't feel like misery but yet still wrecks my mind every night before my slumber and leaves me concluding, or rather holding onto the hope that 'I think God can explain' that there must be a good ass reason for my untimeliness, my delusion fueled blindness, and even so I'm starting to tire myself out and the initial thrill is reduced to a mere jolt in the chest not even jolt actually but more of a 'raises eyebrows' there has been highs and lows but I think my misery is on it's way to running it's course yet at the same time I think I will be feeling like this until smth more attainable comes along other than that there really is no turning back for me, it is downhill from here, Ive nowhere to go but down or I could wait. In fact with every day that passes I am waiting. I am very impatient I only wait for things with incentives ie concert queues, meeting 1R, to migrate to Taiwan.. Bit this thing, this strange strange concept I've let my mind absorbed is slowly destroying me. So melodramatic but yes it may or may not even exist yet I allow it to redefine the landscape of my thoughts holy crap I have to purge myself of this unhealthy obsession 

YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT

sup yall a lot of my posts have been very touchy freely lately and after awhile it's just annoying to read about and dwell upon someone's self induced misery for prolonged periods but sorz la 60% of my problems are self induced and it's my own fault la lemme feel sad (but actually very ridiculous problems LULZ)

Brief update: 

1) went to this book launch on mon and I felt very conflicted after that idk I think I will always veer towards aesthetic appeal anyway I will elaborate this book launch was a collection of different series of photographs and a lot of the work was basically unapealing?? Like not the kind you expect to get a publication la but because it was very raw and honest it's not like anyth you really see (not the norm) then I got so conflicted like is this still art mann and is this another level of pretentiousness that is no longer pretentious like it has exceeded it's threshold do you get what I mean how is this art? How to define art?? And why do I sound so pretentious on paper sadgal96 I hate it so much I need to have more depth sigh 

2) had the chance to catch Grease at MBS for free haha i love my school and wow it was so great but too short!!! Wicked was spectacular i will never forget that dragon head above the stage but the cast was so great esp their voices!!! considering a potential career path in theatre IM NOT EVEN KIDDING HAHA its so strenuous but fulfilling, there is nth like the adrenaline you feel onstage i just need to learn how to coordinate my limps LOL this is such a hindrance to my life BUT YES!!!!! one day la haha you will see me onstage 

It feels like I only go backwards, baby
Every part of me says, "go ahead"
I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
Feels like we only go backwards, darling 

I know that you think you sound silly when you call my name
But I hear it inside my head all day
When I realize I'm just holding onto the hope that maybe
Your feelings don't show

It feels like I only go backwards baby
Every part of me says, "go ahead"
Then I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
Feels like we only go backwards, darling

The seed of all this indecision isn't me, oh no
'Cause I decided long ago
But that's the way it seems to go
When trying so hard to get to something real
To feel

It feels like I only go backwards darling
Every part of me says, "go ahead"
I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
Feels like we only go backwards, darling

It feels like I only go backwards baby
Every part of me says, "go ahead"
I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
Feels like we only go backwards, darling

It feels like I only go backwards baby
Every part of me says, "go ahead"
I got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
Feels like we only go backwards, darling

I am here while you are there

It's going to be great. Spectacular in fact. All I do now is wait. 

always in my head

I think i am finally able to put into words, (albeit rather incoherently or in too simplistic terms, but words nevertheless) about this strange strange state of mind i've been feeling for the past few months. All the greats, all the great writers, poets, musicians, artists, all had great loves, great absorbency when it comes to emoting and then processing and translating it into gold. Gold with misery as its basis, components like yearning and ache and feeling joy in your ache and comfort even and recognising that they are so safe in their sorrow- it is their second skin. And it is always heartache. I cannot find a better term for heartache so i shall stick to it. Presently i am listening to the live version of 'Always in My Head' by Coldplay and the first few lines go like this 'i think of you/ i haven't slept/ i think i do/ but i don't forget/ my body moves, goes where i will/ but though i try my heart stays still' and this sounds ridiculous but i feel like crying just listening to this song i cannot explain it, i dont have a particular face or person this song is aimed towards. In fact it is none. I do not have anyone to feel that great ache for and my heart is aching and stinging so much from listening to this. It is not just this song, but certain fragments and lines and poetry too. Lines that have no relation no context to my situation and it is laughable. It is almost foolish. How is it that i am aching for something that has yet to befall upon me? Why am i even expecting something as terrible as an old wound, dull throb to last me an entire life? But it is not just this instance. Many times I read/see something, be it a song, work of art, poem, words and I just cringe and idk but there is this feeling lodge within my ribcage, i can see myself going through a great ache, it is just that i have not met the person to induce it to me. What a strange concept to wrap my mind around. Why would anyone want to be the one to induce an ache upon someone, to inspire anyone to bleed out for? One person is enough material to last several lifetimes. You can never stop milking the ache only draw it out longer, time does not erase, it only preserves. But to expect that kind of situation and then recover from it, is almost impossible. I've learnt that that are some things you cannot wipe out completely. And somehow time just washes every single thing i thought i've learnt through my experiences. I know and rmb nth now. How to feel, how to ache, how to give and how to take, how to be with someone w/o losing yourself completely. I cannot do all of that anymore. My slate has been wiped clean. This is what time does to me. When i am in the moment i think to myself, 'oh, this is what it means to be doused in misery, this is what fuels your writing, this is what ache feels like, you will never get better no matter how much you try.' but i did. I did get better. And I am just confused at my ability to forget things and emotions so quickly. And it feels like i've never ached. But it is untrue because I did. I really did. But it was so fleeting, aren't I suppose to hang onto grievances? Perhaps it was not that great to begin with. And now such songs and films and words are enough to break me to fragments. So ironic. How do i learn to ache? Why am I expecting myself to ache like that? I like to think that I have a rather cheerful disposition. That I am more so happy than sad. That i am self-sufficient and I know I am. I am very self-sufficient. I just don't think I have been any less sufficient yet before I learn to feel that kind of constant yearning/pining/desire and knowledge that you will always be left behind by person who inflicted said ache upon you. At this point in time I am repeating myself so many times you are prolly sick of reading this. Why am I even writing this out? Why am I yearning to yearn for someone until I felt like I've bled for them? Yes, I think i've got it out. I am yearning to yearn for an ache that cannot be dissolved. Which is so unnecessary. And pretentious and right now I am so disgusted with myself and this yearning I have what the hell kristie. Maybe in time all these ache I feel for with no face in particular will take shape. Even then I won't be fulfilled. Tell me how to be fulfilled when your greatest ache wants to be away from you? Perhaps my emotional threshold is expanding, perhaps I am just a conflicted self-sufficient yet lonely yet too forward looking 18 year old who shouldn't feel so much for things that have not yet happened to me. Perhaps.